Im in my mom house for one month now. i have asked for 1 year sabatical leave stating that i cannot travel in bus. and got permission from my fucking in law house saying that i shouldnt work in front of computer and also stress. for the chicken that i am this is a huge step. and im really happy here. no tension. im really really happy.
Now i have to plan my daily activity here. im lazing around everyday. i could use this time for better use. need a plan.

what to do? i have the solution in hand but im scared

my bitch family is not giving me my laptop to me. im not able to blog as regularly as i want, that too when so many things are happening in my life and i dont have anyone to share with.

my mom and my mom in law fought, as expected and my mom was super pissed off and cant let it go like a shameless bitch do. my mom in law fell in my mom's leg for forgiveness, he he... bitch....

i had awesome time bitching about my mom in law to my mom and she also understand what an ass she is.

now for sure my mom cannot stay in the same house as my mom in law. she has sworn it.

i have taken 2.5 weeks of leave and me n my mom has come down to Chennai. i have told my husband also that i will come back after 2.5 weeks. and he freaked out because he will get boared it seems. he is an ass, he is using me to guard himself against his mother. i hate him, and his mother the most.

my relatives will ask all sort of questions just to annoy me of what n why if i stay longer. and i will also get boared and most importantly will lose my image/respect if i stay longer not going to office.

but i dont want to go to that hell again while im pregnant. for may reasons, every day there are problem, not just one day or few days, its everyday issue for me. i dont eat well, she dont cook at all. no vegetables. no fruits, and what ever she cooks she is doing me a big favor. and the attitude that she shows while im eating makes me puke what ever little i ate on her face back. and ofcourse my scared chicken husband will come from office late to avoid talking to anyone in the house. its is truely a hell. staying there for one day is tough, like suicide and im thinking of staying there for another 5 months which is the most crucial period of my life, i have to be happy and eat well. in this 5 months i can go back to another depression and come back so much time. or may not come back this time if i get all the mood swings.

the question now is do u want to make ur life's most crucial 5 months hell because of the fear of society or do u have the guts to take a big step? rest of the plan i will figure out later what ever decision u take. this problem might not be there after 5 months because i will come home then and after the baby... we might shift to new house because the house owner wants us to vacate. and then the bitch wont be with us, hopefully.

ok, so the solution is clear now, im going to stay here, i just shouldnt freak out and just execute the plan.

All the best!!

My MIL continues to be an ass. im feeling bad for my mother, i have kept her in this situation. sorry mom. and that too i was in home for past 4 days, tomorrow i will go out to office and whole day she will be alone with MIL bitch. poor mom.

today happenings

lot of developments are happening in my life, but I'm not able to pen it down regularly. because I'm not finding time from house hold work and my puta family is hijacking the laptop all the time to prove that they are the most busiest person in the world., assholes. i will blog about today events at least. I'm feeling dizzy now, its the Harmon tablets that doc gave me, it makes me dizzy. somehow I'm holding on to write this, pardon my typing mistakes.
so today my bitchy MIL went out to her relative house because there is a marriage coming up soon and she is an elderly person. ppl call her for knowing the rituals. assholes.
so whole day she was not there and it was like heaven for not dealing with her for one day. and i had time with my mom and the plus point is she also was bitching about my MIL, ah ha, feels like heaven. i eat nicely and felt really good for someone pampering me. i was also bitching about my husband a little. awesome day. u know what my mom passport has expired and this is another problem for me now.
OK i will hit bed now. I'm dizzy. good night. have lots to blog. also need to write a self motivational note and a note for the baby.

I know, i don't blog often now. reason being all the sharing that i was carving for, i got bob now for it. i tell him all. like a typical gal. OK, so the story so far...
I mailed my husband saying that i need to do pregnancy test with an OBGYN. and he was happy and said OK. Friday night he didn't come home, he worked overnight in his office and come only on sat morning 7. sat morning i got up late by 11. and then we all had left over as lunch. i was little surprised how come my ever perfect mother in law decided to do this? bitch! all double standards. after that i don't remember what i was doing, i took bath, washed, cleaned broomed and moped. 

WTF!!

Yesterday I wrote this on a paper -

“It’s been just 15 days, that this new concept entered my head and I’m getting impatient already. Still 84 days to go and I can’t wait. I’m scared because there are lot of events lined up in the near future when all I wanted was a smooth passing of days like how it passed till now. Remember how time flew from April to July. No major event, just daily chore. And I was hating it then because life was becoming boring to death. And I wanted to run away. And when the date is fixed, there are disturbance in the smooth life. This is scaring me.”

 

What I didn’t pen down yesterday was that, I was scared that I might get pregnant. So what I did yesterday was, got a couple for home kit tool and went home. I was planning to use pills hence forth to reduce one of the tension. But when I took the test in the morning in the morning, it came positive. Out of all the things that could happen I can’t believe this happening. U know how less we have sex. And I was keeping track of the ovulating dates a little. I agree last time it was little closer, but I did the same mistake when I agreed to marry this idiot. Carelessness, thinking all these while nothing happened, what harm probably this could do? This attitude is killing me.

 

I spoke to my manager, and she spoke like a manager, as a friend, as a elder person. I felt good after that. Lot of things she pointed out –

1.       Whatever happens, happens for good. And this is the right thing to happen considering your age. [ok, agreed, I'm going to turn 29 pretty soon and baby before 30 is like the deadline we guys follow, claiming some crap scientific reason.]

2.       I can still travel to onsite, since that would be my fifth month. And travelling is safe. And there are two things now, u have to travel back by 7^th month, or stay there and deliver there. [ya, coming back is not in my mind, but since I shouldn’t look ,like a crazy girl so I told her initially that  it is a short term assignment. So, ignoring the coming back part, I can deliver there, I could get leave. Based on her experience she was telling. I need to talk to my new manager about this. When I hear these words from him, 90% of my tension would reduce. It means freedom for me, for which all these I have been doing initially.]

3.       She also said that onsite opportunity will keep flowing all the time, but this will never happen again. So take priority of this, rest will fall in place by itself. Take care of ur health and don’t freak out. Its normal.

 

After this I spoke to two of my best friends who understands me. One girl sympathized with me. And one guy, he didn’t know how to react probably, he was telling me all about I would make a good mother blah blah. Ya right!

 

So, talking to my manger helped. And now plan is –

1.       Tomorrow get it confirmed from doc [ what if I'm getting freaked out for no reason]

2.       Talk to new manager and tell him my plan, which is

3.       Travel by Nov. work till march end. And then take a break of 3-4 months. Taking dependent visa for my mom and my husband.

4.       And join work by Aug. And my mother will be there na to take care of the baby!

 

This plan seems flawless, except

1.       My manager should accept.

2.       And at home I should get approval to travel for 1 month at least. Later I can manipulate them.

3.       I should this attitude and guts till the end, and I should not chicken out.

4.       And most importantly, I should not have any complications till the end.

 

With so many if’s and but’s - I'm losing interest already. I feel like giving up control and accept whatever happens.

But man I have been doing this all my life, and this is a very crucial phase of my life. Now I'm adult. And if I follow my dream then that would be called struggle and not craziness or mistake.

Imagine this, I doing this all alone, and bringing up the baby, and then finally finding my dumb n useless husband a job there. I would like a hero.

God, why I ever married this person? Is it because I want to show off the world that I'm a big hero? Ok I will take it that way, well he doesn’t mind we leading the way. And I don’t mind being proud for doing so. But then I feel, could have been a guy whom I can love. But then I have never seen any guy like this, whom I can love truly.

Ok, I'm deviating from the topic.

Ok, I was goggling about could the results be negative and turns out there are some people in this category as well. But my friend said it is positive once it said positive. The only wrong results it can show is, if you are pregnant the test might at times say negative. But if it says positive, then it is positive. And when I was reading the article, I couldn’t really connect with the people talking. I don’t have hope that it would be negative now. But still, I will keep quite till the tests are done by a doctor.

Ok stop thinking till then. I will blog again tomorrow. C ya!

 

What a day it was?

ever felt like, u have hiding ur talent or not doing something u like the most for almost 2 years. when u finally do it, the amount of happiness that u get is ... no words here.
today i hanged out with my collge friends. and ofcourse i didnt say at home, i said that im going office

Canada is calling, where are you?

Im living in constant fear. something or the other. today my fear is, now i have made plan to go to canada has been made, and still 2-3 months to go. But all could happen in this time? oct there is a plan to travel to thailand. what if i get pregnant with in this time? what if i or MIL start a fight and something terrible thing happen? what if my mom decides to come n stay with us? what if my uncle somehow comes here to solve my problem?

How this weekend went

This weekend was also a kind of little rough, but definitely better than any day.
So how it went. On friday night, there was an anticipation if i will go to office. i didnt say anything to anyone. and my mil was breaking some utensils in kitchen. we slept by 11/11:30.
on sat morning i woke up by 7.15. i got up by and blogged (my previous post) and slept again. i got up by 9.30. and came out, bitch had made rice n rasam. she was making some curry/sambar. i asked her if i can cut beetroot, since it was kept outside in the kitchen. and she asked me to cut beetroot. i was happy she spoke to me something. she asked me to cut small. i did. and then she said something like i will put it in cooker... i dont know it was so faint and was not exactly a questions. but still, i know about this bitch. when she has spoken like a human? i said, put it in cooker. after cutting, i washed utensils, thats only confident that i can do in the kitchen. then i went to broom. thinking she would do the beetroot and curd. but she waited for me, when i came to hall to broom, she asked me to finish the curd. i was glad in a strange way, though her tone was not the pleasant one, i was glad she is improving. her normal one would make face and work her ass off like she is one poor thing and im torturing her. and that im the worst person ever and she have to live with me. at least something. and my point is, u do anything bitch, im going to run away as soon as possible. and never ever i will see ur face again. after making curd, my husband had early lunch. he had to go out. and then i guess my brother in law also had, i dont know. i went to take bath. when i came out dried my hair a little. the bitch was working her ass off. i came and had lunch. then she kept bucket ready for moping. i took it and started doing it. i did till hall when my husband came. after doing hall, she took over for the kitchen. i dont know whats the secret for me not letting wipe the kitchen or is she so good, that she can see me  exhausted by the time i finish hall. whatever bitch, whatever keeps u happy. after getting exhausted i went n slept. more over my husband said in the morning that he will take me out today at 4. and he was not telling me where. i was scared that he will take me to doctor. so, i 4, even though i got up, i was trying hard to sleep. and then i got up, combed my hair, folded cloths and by 5.30 went to shop near by but snacks n biscuits. when i came back by 6.30 my husband went out to temple. thats when bil called over phone to mil and she said him that we guys r going to movie, thats when i know that he is taking me to movie. when he came back, my mil asked me if i would also eat. i was washing utensils then, he came inside kitchen and asked me if i want to eat. i said ok. she was rolling chapatthi. then i started making chapthi. we ate fast and went to see ice age 4. it was good, and we also spoke little.
then when we came back by 10 exactly, mil was still up watching movie. brother in law was not coming home in the night. dont know, might come in the morning.
then me n my husband went to room and he wanted to watch another movie in laptop. i suggested surrogates, watched it for 20-30 mins, and then felt sleepy. so slept. good for him, because he didnt like this movie, coz it needed small brain to understand it.

Sunday, got up by 10. he spoke about going to doctor first. i said ok. then he said about me trying to austraila. and then he also asked about my travel to my home town. good he took all the topics, but im not comfortable with talking to him, i was like all yes, no, maybe. what ever answer he wanted to hear. yesterday went well, but that doesn't guarantee anything that she will be normal today. have learnt this in this 2 years. i came out by 10.30 and said i will make breakfast and the bitch was throwing attitude. u guys make, who ever wants to eat, make and eat. is this the way a lady talks in her house. bitch, no wonder i hate her. i asked i will make for u also, she said no, as expected. i made it with her interference all the time, by the no one can do work properly than her.
we eat by 11-11.30. by husband  went to buy chicken

New plan

My mom called me today. she is not talking to me. she could have freaked  out hearing about my condition. yes she talks all positive things, she cannot solve my problem. she did spoke all big things like she will come and stay with us, but then she would have thought that who will bare the bitch that im staying with. anyhow, i can totally understand. but, she called me twice, one to inform me that a baby is born to one of my close relative. and next today to talk about something. and both the time she is asking me, why im not calling her. i told her, u don't have mobile, how can i call you?
So, why she called me today was -> my grand mom called my fucking mother in law about some alliance thing may be. and my grand mom might have asked her about me and me getting pregnant. my mother in law would have said nothing till, and one or two dialog to prove that she is the sweetest person on earth. ya, nothing till now, that is also one problem blah blah. this much is enough to ignite fire in my puta family. my grand mom immediately called my mother and said, are going to come down here and take care of me for treatment or shall i only take her to doctor. And my mother ego was heart. she was all so pepped up. i will talk to astrologer, her idiotic belief. Man, i know she is my mother, but she is crazy.
Nothing much, i have sent my passport scanned copy to the new manager. talk about my plans in canada to bob. long time i spoke to tech arch, i miss him. didn't talk to him this whole week.
So im clear with my plan now.
Nov 2012 - go to canada
March 2013 - get a job in canada and quit my current company
June-Nov 2013 - get PR
Nov 2013 - bring my husband also to canada and get a job for him.
Nov 2014 - have a baby.

Yeppie!!!

I have been dying to tell u this. they are planning to send me to Canada :D:D
u have no idea how much im happy right now.
i know we,cannot trust my company, its a big time disappointment generator. but still, with this small hope, like thousand watts bulb is there in my life now. i already started dreaming about my life. i would study part time, i would get driving licence, i would search for another job. i would travel to my aunts place over weekend. and i would call my grand mother and the smallest of my cousin who is one year old now, to live with me for some time. i know building so much hope over my company is bad, but still i cant help it man. im so excited. this could be the one ultimate solution to all my problem.

I will say one more thing. just before this offer came to me, i mailed (no spoke) my husband about "Shall we get settled in Australia" and the topic immediately went to baby n house. ass hole!
When he is as good as not being considerate at all there is nothing wrong with me to treat him like a shit. i mailed him saying i have plans to take leave and go to my native. today again he mailed me asking one fucking question about my leave plans, i was so pissed off i didn't answer his mail for very  long time and in the end asked him how much is our internet bill and then that my dad has booked ticket for us to Dubai n Thailand. he mailed again something, but his way of asking is so irritating like i wanna punch something very hard. he is so least considerate. he is like in a separate tracks. we both want different things. and i don't want him or his mother.

So, u r asking me why i have not spoke about her mother in this post. well, no problem till now. its as if she is not there in this house for me, and for her as if im not there here. let it continue for few more months till i get visa. O God! please save me! its like u showed water to a dying person. now dont take it back.

All my plans will be cancelled now. im going to stop job search, stop taking one month leave, or stop looking for short term transfer. depending heavily on this new plan. please god, dont break me again. Cant wait now!!! :D:D

fought with husband

i dont know i get so much of anger. im highly angry with my husband right now. even though he didnt do anything usual. he was as usual, he was himself, as always with all annoying things. but dont know why im loosing my cool now n then even though i have made the compromise that i have to live with this idiot. The tip to control my anger - dip his brush in toilet, i forgot about it, because i didnt needed it for a long time. we really didnt speak. that way is better. stop talking to me altogether, asshole. by the way, today he was trying something. either he was bored, or trying to make me happy. highly impossible for the second option, but still its there in my list. im a gal after all. he was planning to go to a mall, then we settled to watch a movie in youtube, and he was his usual annoying way he spoke to me. i was asking him to switch off the fan and he said something and i broke off. and we didnt watch movie. not even one scene in the movie we saw.
i dont know how im going to live this irritating person for the rest of my life.

so many things for a days post

So, my MIL is smiling at me. she smiled at me twice when i had to talk to her something. 1. when i woke up in the morning and said i had to go early today(Friday) 2. When came from office yesterday n asked her if anything needs to be brought. hmmm... two things are possible - 1. She is in a good mood. because FIL is here for a week now, and she have someone to talk to whole day and every nonsense that runs in her mind would have been spilled out by now. and i know how nice it feels when u spill out everything thing after keeping it in your heart for sometimes. hello! we are ladies, we need to spill out n load our partner with trouble, and we feel happy n light in a strange way. So this could be one possibility. other wise 2. FIL would be angry with me, and would have scolded behind my back or planned something with MIL like moving out (thats all they can do) or that he would talk to me (i know when ppl, third person, when he sees our our house, i seems to be on blame because i dont take any household responsibility). so again strange, we ladies feel little bit pity, mixed with the thing trying to look friendly or trying to look like an innocent one.
i know we are complicated creatures, no man can master this technique. but i dont pity u guys, u think straight which helps solving the problem quicker (if any problem does exist). we worry for nothing and if real problem exist, either we dont worry or we complicate even more) but any how we dont solve it.
so coming back, my point is, right now the heat in this house has reduced. although im trained not to believe anything like this, so the urge to move out of this house has come down drastically. mainly because as the time is getting closer and amount of risk it involves, im shit scared. and also with MIL all smiling and reducing the heat in the house.
And one thing out of this context, when i hear MIL talk to anybody (FIL, BIL, my husband) my heart sinks with fear sitting in my room. i feel like she is complaining about be. And that too she have such a bad accent, all dragging and negative. it hard to understand her what she is talking. bitch!
so coming back to the point, yesterday i was trying hard to think clear. i wrote down all the options that i can think of in a paper and showed to bob. yes i met him yesterday, that is a separate story, i will tell you later. But with the heat reducing and the other factors like project is not going live for another couple of days, and my friend is not in the town where i was planning to stay with her. And most important thing, im super confused. i should put this plan off for few days. let me start all  over again if i feel like i should take a break. yes, this decision is causing some friction with my ego, because i was so desperate to quit n run away n now im telling my self to compromise because that days are not that bad. even my husband is trying to improve situation, imrove the relation between us. he is trying to be sweet with me. MIL smiling, husband sweet, Hello, cant u guys hold on for few more days n wait for me to run away? why u guys do this and turn the situation better now n confuse me in the last moment?
Now other stories, before bob story i will about my husband - yesterday he asked me about my medicine if its over n i said yes. medicine is  one reason that i can travel to my home town. although i have stopped taking medicine, i said simply. next her asked me about my visa n discussed various rules about it. ok so planning to outside? other day he spoke to about me quitting and joining product company. that he have one contact n he discussed with her about me. (good). and other day when it was late in the night n i was super tired and had to wash utensils he offered to help me. MIL was asleep then. (thats y, this rat spoke to me) anyhow i think it is still sweet for a person like him.
now bob. Hmmm.. so yesterday was kind like a date. he came in the afternoon we had lunch a fancy Chinese restaurant. then sat in coffee day discussing various thing, one of them is my plan. but it is not finalized because im confused yet. and apart from that he spoke how he had a feeling for me right from first year, and how he felt when i came to meet these guys (twice) before marriage, n when i was telling them my sad stories. and finally when i was getting married. he spoke, like he is getting these from his heart out. hope is he feeling better now. he was supposed to meet his another friend after our meet. that friend is close to him and he shared all his feelings with him. he would have met him by now and said everything about me to him. i too poured down some of my stuff to him about my deep crush. how i was hurt and what let to what.
i feel like im blessed to have an admirer like him. he just wants me to be happy nothing more.

??

So, like - im 100% confused. not at all clear about what im going to do now. i am struck in a dilemma. i thought this bob guy would help me, but today realized i cannot put the complete responsibility on him. i have to analyse completely and check - what i would be able to, what i want to do, what are the consequences, what r the risk, what r the trade off i need to, what measures i need to take. what r the short time n long time benefits.

but im sleepy now. 

Gods must be crazy!

So, this Bob. he is totally crazy about me. About me! can u believe that?
ok, so what happened in college was i used to talk to him daily during the last year for few days, dont remember, may be a month or so. And then he told my common friend about his intentions. i said no, and obviously what i thought was it is a decision he took in a haste. but the way he is now talking to me, man makes me cry. he liked me from first year itself. and he used to think low of himself and hence didnt have the confidence to approach me.
no one understands me better than him. when he talks its like im hearing my own voice. actually his views n my views are so much alike that today i thought to myself, am i hallucinating? like that of the movie beautiful mind. Man, did i make a mistake? or is it for the best?
Im so scared if i slip out n say anything stupid to him. I know im in a bad state now, and there is  nothing to make things worse. but still im scared that i would complicate the already complicated situation.
But u know, im struck being selfish again. i need his help so bad now. i know he is also a wise man and will not complicate my life. but i dont trust myself. oh my god, why did u make me a bitch?!
What is this new problem budding?
The way he admires me, it would be a dream of every gal that a guy would admire her this way. my heart is aching now. i feel sorry for him. if i can turn back time, i would have said yes to him.
im sorry Bob, im really really sorry. i dont know why the fate is playing such cruel game with us. do i deserve this much admiration now with anybody at all? i feel guilty. but im getting addicted to his calls, his pings in gtalk, his messages in mobile. what am i? 15? Hello!!??

Ok, apart from this, today i spoke to my manager about my leave plans. as usual, with little tantrum, she said she will check n let me know. but sincerely hoping that it works. but my instinct is telling me this not going to happen. yes, very strong instinct. dont know what it is trying to tell me.
Oh my F God! u must be crazy! u need help!

I told Bob about this, and also about my job to find a job there itself. i was not expecting support, i was expecting a conflict in opinion. but he went with me. thats why now im thinking, is it an Hallucination? 

Spicy Sunday

So, Sunday. A good rollercoster ride today. Every weekend is unexpected. i expect bad, turns out good, i expect good, turns out bad.
Today morning when i got up, i was on the verge of nervous break down. so scared to go out. and i was all in the drama mood, because i was just sitting making a long face, so obvious that even my blind husband saw and asked me what happened. It was cute of him to ask me, but good that i didnt open my mouth, dont know what words would have come out. words are always dangerous esp to a person who just dont want to understand and use the same exact words against you when he gets a chance.
day b4 yesterday my uncle had a baby boy. i thought i will tell the devil this, and may be this will be an ice breaker. by the time i went out it was close to 10 in the morning. i went n washed the utensils, and started making coffee and she said both of you have  breakfast(she made, because her husband is here) her tone was not very rude, manageable. so i also got d courage to tell her about the kid news. at this point i thought today would be little better.
i came inside to oil my hair, by the time my sweet husband will come out the bathroom. and when we went out food was already on the plate. we had and i started washing the endless utensils that she kept throwing. and i was doing little work like washing rice, spinach etc. she would got the feel that im trying too hard to help her, and why will a control freak ever like it. she made me sit with a vegetable to cut n peel. this is not to be used today, but to store it in fridge. anyhow i was not angry. after all we women are good at manipulating. so is her, let her do it. its serving both the purpose, very good bitch.
by the time i finished the peeling n cutting she tried finishing the cooking. but she missed a little. and when i went back, she was making egg n meat. i peeled the egg, and started washing utensils again. then some time pass, and then broomed the house. by the time all was over. and we sat to lunch.
while washing utensils after lunch she was cleaning the stove area, i said i will do it. i know she was planning to make me clean kitchen. but when she does such thing, i feel exploited. remember the last time she exploited me while cleaning the hall floor. but its been long time since then and my relation was also going out of control with her, so i wanted to take this up. and since i knew she will exploit, i was prepared from the beginning. i started cleaning. i was thinking 2 fav things of her - kitchen n cleaning. she must be excited about me doing this. when she sees a clean kitchen she would be happy. but u never know, miss half glass empty can never be satisfied.
i did half cleaning and she said we can do rest next week, but was trying to push much of it today itself. i was so exhusted, i came n slept for 2 hours. wonder how my husband could watch me sleep peacfully. it must be killing him. i then took bath by 7. in the night my husband n me had a cold war. he was telling me we can eat dinner, at 9.15 but i was so pissed at him. i kept delying. and at 10, he pretended like sleeping. iasked him for dinner and he was angry. somehow he came n had dinner. i washed utensils againg and now im writing this. i was pissed off with my husband because when i was talking bath power went and he didnt even bother to check in me. i came out with towel after few mins and took mobile n went inside. selfish asshole!
And yesterday night i was shit tired, after coming back from office. he said we can have dinner n sleep early. but asshole couldnt sleep and wanted sex. i hope no gal have to hear such things from her husband. dont know why god assumes that i can take these things. now also while im typing these things my husband is making move to me, u son of bitch just few mins back u were shit angry with now, now for sleeping u shameless creature will let go all ur ego. sometimes i wish he was immpotent. but then that is the only thing he is kind to me for. if he becomes immpotent he wouldnt even care if im alive or dead. nor he will support me from his mother.

Am i irritating you? ok, just confirming

Yes, all my trial of pleasing you didnt work. so, im doing what im best at, irritating you. and i have to tell this, when u do thing that u r best at, the satisfaction that u get from it is.... no words to describe it.

So what happened today is, my manager said some lame excuses of why my short term transfer will get delayed. of course i saw this coming, in fact if they process it as per my wish i would have been shocked. so this said this and kept my expectation to expect my request to even begin processing by august 2nd week. fuck u! i have very little patience in this matter. of course i was all polite with her and said ok ok, but i was getting angry to bang my fist. fucking life, screwing me from all direction.

today i met my friends. had a nice chat for about 4 hrs. saw various photos of each other. I also went out of office to near by mcD. This is little adventure for me.

So, im thinking of taking one month/2 month leave and go n sit some place else. and inform at my house that  i have to go there for official work. fuck, they cant figure out this. had they been that much intelligent, i wouldn't have any problem in the first place. my problem is the amount of dumbness these people can possess. mind blowing!

i have mull over these things for sometime, may be i will ask suggestion with Bob the guardian angel for me. Lets see, i might meet him tomorrow.

Im just thinking how much happy i would be taking a break. god! please be little kind to me n grant me this wish, u have been screwing me over for a very long time now. please god, give me a break, dont u think i deserve it? i have been a good now.

once i go there for 1 month leave, i will start job search there will full force. and hope things work out!!! please god, im helpless.

Just for the heck of it

So, today when i was talking to Bob, i mentioned that i write dairy. And he insisted on reading it. i said hell no. And he said when i will sit down to write today he will come invisible to see. haha, so thats why wanted to write my blog today.
other wise no update, same torture everyday. Hey Bob, if u r watching me, i just want to say u that ur call is keeping me alive in this otherwise pathetic life. Thanks!!!

Update

Home continues to suck. It is best if i dont hope for the situation to improve. This is not going to happen. U know when i think about running away, i dont think like, people should miss me. My MIL should realize that how good my daughter in law was. Nah! i dont any of these fucking thing. She should hate me to the core, so that i should be last person on earth that she would want to see. She should feel that she can face anything than to meet me or stay with me. I dont mind if the next daughter in law happens to gel well with her. oh my god, she would stick with them then. ha ha... poor thing. but man, no one in this earth could bare her. she is a torture.
My manager is giving me hopes that for 2 months i can stay away from home. working from different location. keeping my fingers crossed. u have no idea what this means to me. this means air to breath.
Yesterday i met 2 of my college friends. one gal n one boy. i look old it seems :( i did look sad i guess. And u know, the guy was my admirer in college. even he said i look bad now. but he was giving me all meaning full looks, like i can see pain in ur eyes kind of.
he held my hand to see palmistry. he saw my toe length. he said to take care of my hair. he said i got under eye n wrinkles. Man all these emotions, all these care, i have seen it before from a different guy. and i cant do this again. This guy, let me call him Mr. Bob. so Bob has been very supportive and he only pushed me to talk to my manager. he assured me that what im doing is not wrong. and that deserve a break. the break will put my stress to ground level and i can be fresh to handle all the problem once again.

Update

Lot of things are happening in my life. I started getting in touch with my old college friends. and there is this guy who used to like me little then. but it was so long ago and he was not a bit serious about it. i didnt bother about it much. but now he is calling me regularly. im sharing with him all the things happening and happened in my life and he is regreting for not trying harder to get me.
i dont know what to do. i can exactly know what it feels like. im saddened for causing him this pain. Sorry buddy!
Im continuting chatting with the tech guy. and he is puring over praises and praises over me. he might come here by october. hope i would have done some changes in my life by then.
Im going to ask for a temp trasfer or work from other location for some time. god this is painful to even see her face. im ready to climb the stair till 15 floor but avoid looking at her face.
Im also attending interviews these days, hopefully that would be in a different location. badly wanting and trying to change my location. thats d only escape. im going to escape, fuck all the good ways.

My interview went well today

So, today was d D day. I went to a proper interview for the first time my life. Earlier i had been to a couple of walk-ins with out proper preparation or not having the required skill set. But today was a scheduled interview with a very small set of skill sets fitting mine.

So, had a written test for 1 hr with 60 questions. and it was on core java topic, thread, spring, sql. Also RMI and JMS - i didnt answer those things. And ya lot of questions on design patterns.

I thought it was not an elimation round, but not sure. then waited for hell lot of time and then had a drilling tech round for 40 mins exactly. I didnt answer many questions. answered few. but i was satisfied with my performance, that i have come a long way in terms of prepration for the interview. And i was waiting. if my level of knowledge is enough for them they will call me else, its ok. but the called me and we disscussed the package :D

but there is twist, the location is different from my current location. :D yes, very happy but scared about how to deal with this. got couple of people as part of my support system tomorrow im going to call them n discuss about it. 

Lets see what i do.

Voice from my Gardian angle

Don’t worry too much girl, they are one set of barbaric people. If doing thing A pisses them off for no reason then doing B will make them happy for no reason.

Just don’t try to question why n how. Just learn the pattern and gain experience to solve the problem.

 

So, all I'm saying is if u want to do Thing A, by all means do Thing A. Just make sure in a couple of days you do Thing B as well. To bring down the heat. J

PLAN

Few days back, i had promised that i will come up with a plan of finding a job which is far away from my current place and hence we have to shift. Well, this blog is for that.
Last sunday was horrible. my patience is getting wearing off, and slowly im able to see things in various angle. my fucking MIL is actually very very rude. she is not normal. she is highly yelling kind of a person, and no one should talk or argue with her. where d hell do i talk to her, but i watch her interact with her kids. and man, pity those 2 ppl. they have never seen what a good mother is. always yelling n not encouraging. not appreciation in any way in fact discouraging and mocking them all d time. very very sad lady to live with. and im pretty sure her husband is happy to stay away from this, always sad and making every one around sad, lady. Im scared when i will actually spell out this fact to my husband or anyone, because this is a very harsh fact. and i should never never say this out.
She is very harsh to me man. i dont know what to do. i never faced anything like this in my whole life. and i tend to ask, why me man? why should this happen to me?
1. i never believed in happy married life.
2. so, this is kind of because i attracted this.
3. MIL making home a hell, is making me go to office on sat, and how else will i study those numerous books that i have. so this is a hard way of saying study well every Saturday.
4. in fact, coming late from office, also gives some time, which i can use to study rather than slogging unnecessarily in the office.

i spoke to couple of my friends, after really a long time, and how much they value me. and im sitting here being treated like a shit. so bad situation. i want to take an extreme step. when my mom came here, and she cried seeing me and said some nice things like she will come n stay with me, but she seems to forget all the things that she said, and now over phone she is talking to me as if nothing like that ever happened. like she had an amnesia. i totally understand her backing off like this. she will not help me. and none of my relatives for that matter will help me. what ever has to be done has to be done by me only. by gods grace my have some really good supporting friends.

i cannot put up with MIL, that is a universal fact. but i cannot put up with my husband also. he sees every day my sad face. not bothered to improve my situation. not talking to me even a word for the whole day for 3 months now. but shamelessly asks for sex in the night. every night. a person cannot fall more than this. and i dont love him at all because of this.

Im going to go out of the state, and find a work. thats is the plan that i was telling to one of my  friend. im very ambitious right now in finding new exciting work. which has some rnd work. but then i need to really really strong for it. and im not having a peace of mind at all. every day when i step out of the house, i will be like, yes yes! im out now and can forget every thing. but its not the fact, right from the morning im worried about returning home. that evening would come and i have to go back to hell. im not able to concentrate in my studies also. and today i was working n browsing and checking mails and suddenly i realized the tension i have in my stomach. and the tension is thinking about how rude the bitch is. my life is literally like hell. and shame on ppl who dont react to this.

this idea of finding a job in another state was there long ago, but then to get acceptance, i need to show ppl that im getting paid like hell. but that is not going to happen with the rate im preparing for interview. im ambitious but where is the peace of mind for me to aim for such a thing.

so im going to join a small company only, such that it have branch in both the states. and ppl will think im joining the local one, and then i will go to the next state in the pretext of training. and then once im out of the house, and have a peace of mind, i will think about where im and what i should do. but right now, my mind is so clouded. i couldnt think clearly. and this feeling of being scared is taking off all my every. i want to go out have some fun, laugh my heart out. live my life in my terms. free my mind n heart. then if i have to divorce also then i will go for it.

Please i didnt say any forbidden word. im living a life of torture. 

A change

i happen to come out of the cocoon that i made for myself. And called a couple of my long time no see friends. and they reminded me of who i was. what is my true self. and when i told them about the life im leading now, they are angry with my decision.
But they r ready to help me out in all possible ways. No matter what, no one can take the place of a friend.

I love u guys, and thank for being there for me. :)

Law of Garbage Truck

Someone wrote this, I wanted this in my blog for record.

 

Law of Garbage Truck

 

One day I hopped into a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.

 

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was really friendly. So I asked, “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!”

 

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call “The Law of the Garbage Truck.” He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you.

 

Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the street. The bottom line is that successful people don’t let garbage trucks take over their day.

 

Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so…

 

“Love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don’t.”

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

 

What to do? im scared to go home now.

You know, from the time I came to office in the morning I'm worried about how can I go home? How can I face yet another day with her? Even though it’s a matter of one n half hour. I'm worried about it all day.

 

See the plan is she moving out. And since u both are not happy together she have to move out. There is no fix for this.

In case u r sweet, she might stay, because outside world is bad than inside. And no matter how much sweet she turns now, I cannot take her. Main reason is that she is a negative energy bitch. She cannot think any fucking single thought that is worth sharing. Every damn thought of hers is negative and energy sucking I cannot take her for one more min. so staying together with her is out of question.

She should move out decently by herself. She is getting irritated by me, and that is the trick. Keep her irritated. And the happy days are nearing.

 

I'm finding it very tough. I cannot take it. I'm not sharing with any one, basically I'm a very private person. But this is getting too much for me to handle that I'm scared that I might take a wrong step in depression. Will I get help? Will there anyone who can understand me?

An Idea can change your life

Today in the bus while returning home, i was very sad. i didnt want to come home for the obvious reason. Suicide thought was frequenting my mind now n then. dying seems to be an easy and pleasant option. I turned on radio in my mobile and was hearing to some boring stuff, when this another boring ad. came for idea network. its quote is - An idea can change your life. Just then i asked myself, give me also an idea which will change my life. i dont want idea like running away, divorce, suicide. i want a smart idea. and Jhat came answer to me, find a job that is far away from ur current home. such that ur office n ur brother in law office are practically far off and u both cant stay together. obviously we have to stay in separate house and my husband will come with me and the bitch will go with Brother in  law. So simple and smart answer. Why this solution got buried under? why i forgot about this solution? am i enjoying the pain im going through? am i liking the problem? am i enjoying being sad? am i proud of my state? am i looking for self pity? what is happening to me?

Am i my best friend, i always have the right answer. i just have to reach out and ask myself. and Jhat answer will come. i believe myself. when i am there, i dont need any body else. im self sufficient. i love myself. i just have to listen to myself.

Tomorrow i will prepare a nice looking plan. Now i will study for some time.

MY GOD... Give me patience and give me quick

Im this much close in losing it. Im amazed with my patience. How can i tolerate this nonsense? and why im i tolerating this? i dont see any reason... U know in the movie true lies, there is a scene where the joker guy, who have affair with Arnold wife, talks some nonsense to Arnold. And Arnold would imagine of knocking the guy dead. that's how i feel when she talks. just knock her dead. not one more word. but she have no idea im so frustrated with her. coz she cannot be wrong. the whole world is wrong but not her, bitch!
Oh my god, this became my routine, every day i log in to blog about her. but then what else outlet i have. but im so sad that all my energy is going waste bothering about this bitch, i want to do so much more than grim about her...
God help me, show me a way.

Its getting suffocating

Im dreading the days again. Not able to remain chearful for a very long time no matter how many good things keep happening in the day. Bitch is bothering me again.
its getting nerve breaking. i hate her so much,
i thought i have come to a stable position where she knows i hate her, i know she hates me are we are peace with it. but what is the fucking problem now, why does she wants me to work in her fucking nonsense way, im going to spit on her food. or kill her , the best.

I like you not liking me

Its a strange feeling im experiencing these day. how can someone enjoy being hated. im doing it. the more and more my MIL hates me, the more i get happy. cant get it enough. now everything is old, im waiting for her lecture where she will say things like, i cannot stay here, or cant you do this or that. and some nonsense that i cant bear to hear. its been long time and waiting for it to happen again. hope i dont fall off laughing.
Bitch! go and fuck off...
I know she is going to die in 5 years. im very sure. because my horoscope says my bad time will last for another 5 years.
I just want her death to be a horrible one. she should suffer n suffer n suffer n die.

I stared playing sims recently. and its a great way to satisfy needs that u have towards people. like if u miss someone, create a sim and chat with them. i have created various sims. and one of them is MIL - i named her monster in law. There is nothing in the house and i dont take care of any of her needs. and is alone and depressed. every day i visit her, then she wets herself. its part of the game, because i didnt take care of her toilet need. and then she says oh no... i feel very happy and i come back. ha ha..

How this sunday went

Today is the day that im usually scared of. Today is sunday. yesterday i went to office to escape this death boredom at home. and avoid all the taunting of MIL. today i had no escape and to make matter worse both my husband and brother in law went out, i realized that this situation will only make MIL to concentrate completely on me, i dont like it. she her attention is else where and some task to do, she is nice to me. but there nothing to put her thought on, she turns into a devil. she is such a bitch and she makes me so scared of her.
Anyway today one of those days and i was in a pickle. but u know i have grownup so much, i have got adapted like an animal to its environment.
1. she was acting like she is shit busy, and it was 10.30 or 11.00 and she was washing clothes. i asked her for the sake of courtesy that should i wash rice? she said she dont know what curry to make. totally irrelevant answer but then, thats MIL for you. i came n sat down coolly as if nothing happened. earlier i would get pissed off at this point.
2. then when she washed rice, i asked her what curry to make. then her golden uncomfortable silence. i asked her should i cut anything, at this point she started her lecture - u are concerned with only cutting, u should learn to cook blah blah. fuck her... am i not helping her in spite of all the insult that she is giving me, now if she is just looking for a chance to shout, then im not going to go gaga over her talk. ignore! earlier i would be little nervous at this point.
3. Then she had decided to make some curry and was cutting vegetable, i asked her if i can put rice for boiling  - her cold answer - i have put it. the thing was she had just kept water in the gas, and when it will boil we have to put rice in it, earlier i used to get pissed off with her cold reaction. now im not. in fact if i watch her getting pissed of and turning cold and like go on bitch, u r only making it harder for us to live together and wait n watch who will be with u in ur old days.
4. And then when the cooking was happening in full fledged and i was trying desperately to fit in, she gave me a garlic and asked me to peel it. now im off her hair. bitch... i dont need her secret recipe. she can fuck with it. its a very unhealthy damaging food that she serves, im better off with it.
5. After cooking is done, she ate, and then asked me to eat, i said i will eat after taking bath. she murmured eat and then take bath any way u will take 4 hours to take bath. this is such pissing off thing, but i literally smiled at it, u know why, i realized how similar mother n son are. even my husband does it and till now i had countless number of fight with him. today i had a ah moment when i realized where it came from. actually both are useless people and i will be wasting my time n energy in understanding and reacting to them. IGNORE!!
6. my husband called my mother in law at 9.30 and said he will be late, and asked her to tell me that i shall eat n sleep. i was watching a movie is laptop, sensing this i did alt tab, but she didnt come. she prepared all set to sleep and told me this at 10. but u know im not all angry because her voice... i saw me in it. when im scared to tell people something and that makes me delay the process of telling them and finally it becomes too late. like calling to my manager for leave, i never call them early. i would hold the phone and sit literally for hours starring at it. im such a scared chicken. today i saw that kind of feel in my mother in voice. and i was like - man someone is hesitating to talk to me and is kind of scared. man im proud of myself.

its ok, i know im not living my life, but soon i will when this bitch will leave the house. right now i have got time to prepare for interview. use the opportunity.

Im sad today. I dont know why, but the fake smile that i was holding faded today.
i didnt talk to my crush for 2 days. and he was busy last week, so just hi in the last week, not even bye.. he would go offline. no boost for me. im so sad with my marriage. my life is so boring. i was such a freak who would roam so much, would be outside for the whole day and would go out on every other day. but my fucking husband is not taking me anywhere at all. we are leading such a boring life. i go to office on saturday also to escape borism. and on sunday do daily chore with my fucking MIL. today i was feeling sad about how im have not been out for a very long time. and how my dreams get crushed by my husband the same way my dad used to do. mens all are expert in crushing our dreams. fuck they have the power to do it.

Update

Its been long time, since i have penned down my thoughts, about my... u know.. goals, action item, pain points etc. And i need to clear out my mind and set things straight in my mind.
First point to discuss -  MIL, ofcourse.
• How is she now?
Well, some days back she was normal and she spoke to well, i mean no frowning atleast. thats a big change for  me. it was like she is following some one week program like i did some times back. but this time i was not at all interested to put any effort in making this relation work, i was like fuck off bitch, u blew ur chance, and more than that i completely understood about u. u r a energy sucking bitch, u never talk anything good, anything positive, u never respect anyone. and u have a hell lot of ego. u r fit for nothing but expect d whole world to bow before u. and more than that u r a double faced bitch. u want to be an innocent, obedient, most adjusting women. but man in reality u r a villi, who just do things out of her mind. i dont wat to u say, except that u r one worst bitch i ever want to meet. all the time u yell, all the time u talk negative thing, all the time u dont smile at all, all the time u boast about urself. u never appreciate anyone or even respect. for u, u r in the center of the world. others work, others trouble.. u never care about it. u r just worried about ur self. the point is, u being such a bitch, and i understood about u, hence now, i want u out of my house. as soon as possible. please. i have no idea to make this relation ship work. the worst the better.
after trying to be normal, she started frowning again few days back. i was like.. im least interested about ur interest in me. im not going to give even a second thought about u. happy changing ur mind as u wish. today Saturday - i got up late, and was expecting some cold war... but my father in law has come and she is busy with other things, so im spared. she spoke pretty well to me. ass hole..
•How is ur job search going on?
i didnt attend any interview till now. im not attending any call also. only one call i picked up, she said she will schedule a technical interview for me, but that guy didnt call me. My preparation is progressing. i saw spring - dependency injection, AOP, Data object, Security. Struts - introduction.
Still have to read a lot, but my confidence has increased a bit now. i feel,i can read things. no problem. I still dont have the confidence to sit in any important interview.
• How is ur work in office?
i have been released for support, and i have been given new development track. im very glad for it. ppl are expecting that i will quit any day. my manager was not talking to me for few days, not not the energy in team is going up again. things are getting better at work. but i have decided to quit. just like i gave up on my MIL.
•How is ur love life?
my husband is hopeless. he is a son of a bitch. and ofcourse MIL is the biggest bitch. he is not worth my support. he is working like a dog to buy a new house, but what eve.r support im giving him, and my views sometimes conflict with my MIL views, obviously, she says no to all the damn house, and when i say yes to any house there  is a clash. and my fucking husband back bite me to his mother. i was like u fucking guy, u r on my list now. and i have decided not to support him at all. and when i dont give any inputs he complain about that also to his mother, so my ultimate weapon, im going to confuse him. he can be confused very easily. and im going to do just that. I was very much down, for lack of.. u know a companion, just then, like god has answered my prayers, i got a new crush. he came and poured with appreciation and it was like a rain in the desert. i had blogged about his chat with me few days back. after that chat we chat every day - compulsory. and u know he is a big shot, but he talks to me like a child. when he pings me late, he says that he has been out for movie or shopping and came just now. i have a feeling like im starting a new relationship. im very excited these days. im smiling always. i feel self worth. yes, im little worried that it should not go out of control. but right now its helping me to smile. so, im going to go along with it. moreover im sure no such thoughts for him, guys thoughts are very simple. so i better dont complicate things. act like a guy, and there wont be any problem. and since i have a back up for support as a partner, im not getting upset with my husband these days, we have sex often after this. yes there was a dry period for less than 2 months. and knowing my husband, who shamelessly asks for it, even though we wont talk for the whole week, and he will behave like he is angry on me, and i will be like im angry on him. yes he is a shameless person, and that makes me hate him even more. anyhow... thins is how things are now, seems complicated, but works for me. good for me...
•How is ur health?
Im not eating well, and i have reduced 5kg in last one month. i have reduced eating, the food that my MIL made, when i eat less.. i get the feeling like im insulting her. in a weird way i get happiness. its simple will she eat if i cook anything, no. her ego wont allow her, and i feel bad, like she is saying my food is not good. im doing the same to her. and since i was not smiling and about to fall into depression, i lost weight. and i look pretty sad. but thanks to my new crush and change in my job track, im happy now. im putting an effort to smile and laugh as often as possible. so im looking better and thin. good for me. i will continue to eat less. i get happiness by insulting her. i will just eat that is sufficient for me, not more.
•Currently, whats on my mind?
Im putting all my energy im preparing for interview. for that last two weeks i went to office to prepare on Saturday. this weekend since my father in law came i thought i would stay, also my husband also gets angry when i go to office. for him i should do all the household work, earn lots of money, bear child, have sex with him when ever he is getting sleep, stupid person. Anyhow i will continue my studies. and will update you often.
Bye got to go, my husband called me twice to go n help my MIL. ass hole...
i will dip his tooth brush in toilet and go n help my MIL. Bye...

What is love?

Im talking about the love, a girl sometimes feels for a guy. Love is a myth. In the sense it is a temporary feeling we have over a guy. Something or the other this guy will do to screw this up, and you will be like, i cant believe i fell in love with this guy. What the hell was i thinking.
There are various kind of feeling that we take it as love.
1. Crush- When you have just met him and he cracks up some smart joke or advice. Then you will be totally flat over him. And when ever you think about him, u get a smile on your face. U end up thinking about him all the time, and when ever you think about him, there butterfly in your stomach.
2. Best friend - U r extremely comfortable with him, and he becomes part of your life. But you dont feel that for him, and wish u could so that it will be a smart choice. And you start doubting about your taste.
3. Sexual - He can seduce you in seconds, he knows where you r weak, and goes right to it. He knows what you like and it is impossible to say No him. But you really dont like him as a person.
4. The man - When you find a bold, confident person, who seems to know all the answer, and he takes care of you like you are his responsibility. he puts rules and conditions about where you should go, with who. Basically does lot of thing in the name your security. But you are totally flat for his style, and every time you think about him you will be like, what a man.
5. All for appreciation - He will come to your life when everything is so screwed up. and you are desperate to find someone, just to talk your mind. And he comes along and pour in with appreciation. It feels like it rained over a desert. so soothing. like ice over a wound.
6. The magnetism - When you both are near, then there is huge magnetism that you can feel. its so strong that you r scared that even that guy, and even worst ppl around you can feel it. Even when the room is filled with people, when you both are in a room you can feel the strong energy.
7. And the last one is - Husband - He takes you for granted. Makes love because its his right to do. doesn't care to woo you. or doesn't appreciate you at all. there is nothing common with you two and are like, he is my husband, I'm supposed to love him and desperately search for reasons so that one day you can fall in love with him.

The best part about love is, you will always have a smile in your face. you will be blushing all the time. you will feel, finally u r completely happy.

Fell in love with my company again today

Today i went to office, thinking i would prepare technically. and i must say my day was awesome.
i love my company ambiance. i went to main campus and sat here n there, the fresh air, the greenery trees, and specially birds chipping. and since today was visitors day all age people around the campus with happy mood. today was revitalizing day for me. i was quite, watching the technical video, enjoying the ambiance and lost myself to the serenity. like i had a date with myself. loved today. i should do this often, even when i dont feel like reading technical, i should pick some light reading stuff and head to campus on Saturday once in a while. best break from all the negative environment around me.

Kids taught me how passion leads to success

Today i watched a reality show of kids dance, i for every kid my eyes were getting watery. Every kid was doing so good. mind of a kid is so fresh and socked with passion. when people are in that mind state success will come automatically. im trying to learn technical stuff, which is not a big deal because these days every thing spoon fed in you tube. and im not passionate enough. when we want success like a person needing oxygen who is inside water for few minutes. 

One down and another one On

My MIL has stopped being an ass. She stopped blowing me off. when i talk or ask her anything she is responding these days. something is really fishy here. what has changed her? its such a puzzle.
Now when i have accepted her being an ass. as a matter of fact, i starting thinking this way -  the more she is unhappy with me, the less the time she is gonna stay with me. so every time she would blew me away - though it did hurt, but inner self consulted me saying its only for the better tomorrow. and that's the plan. things are going as per plan.
Remember i blogged about it (it my other blog) how to solve the most pressing problem for me. and this came up. and after detail analysis, i came to the solution that, nothing can improve the situation. so i have to get rid of her some how. and the way things are going on, it will happen automatically,i don't have to worry about it. but this bitch is keeping me on my toes.
well, i still want her out of my house, and hopefully she will leave. lets hope for the best.

There is another problem now. i knew this would pop up the minute the pressing problem goes down. its my husband stupidity. i feel like we both belong to different generation. 5 years shouldn't make such a difference, but he is a ass. holding tight on age old belief and taking me also down. so, we are not able to decide which house to buy. u know what he is not a good guy. he seems so sweet and soft from outside. but he don't care about anyone. he tries to live an easy life while others work for him. there are things that he never did in his entire life like changing bulb, or locking the door for that sake. and the reason he gives is that he don't know. i mean how more a guy can be a girl than this? there is a huge list that he don't know. he don't know where things are kept in the house - plate for example. he don't know how to do a simple calculation. the other day i was with him when we have to calculate the area of the apartment. he gave it to me. so easy. i really don't care to even try, to learn. he is such an ass. the other day we were playing a game - we have to count, but the trick is we have to do it in two languages - and alternate the languages. so, my husband was counting and was watching/judging. it was hard to concentrate - so i was like OK - odd number one language and even number one language. and suddenly i realized that the order switched. so, i stopped him and said he must have gone wrong somewhere, coz the order has changed. u know he couldn't understand the logic that i was talking here. so so so dumb. heights. plz don't say that he finished his engineering. looks like a b.com guy to me, who works like an office boy.
out of all the guys i had to marry this loser. man i keep repenting the day i said yes to this guy.
if only i can go back to that day.

Best Day Ever!!!!

WOW!!! What a day it was, i didnt see this coming today. When i got up in the morning it was like any other boring day.
1. Morning My husband spoke well to me after a long time, and i spoke to him also.
2. My MIL didnt stare back at me when i said good bye while leaving. I knew something is fishy today at this point itself.
3. My project manager called me to say that i will be moved to another development project by May starting.
4. I had a lovely lovely chat with the tech arch. it was so nice i must say. simply superb. it was like putting cool ointment over the wound.
5. I had a great chat with the philosopher friend. it opened up all the narrow mind.
6. I came late today, and my husband called and said to call my MIL and inform her. :S well, i was shit scared about it and i said to myself so, this is how a happy day can end. but when i called her, her voice was not harsh, she just said ok in a nice way and hung up. I'm actually pinching myself to check it what im writing down is true, and im not dreaming.

i noted down the chat i had with the tech arch. for record sake i will copy it here -



12:52 PM  ME:
Hey..
what r u doing still?

12:52 PM  TECH ARCH
hi

12:52 PM  ME:
go to sleep...

12:52 PM  TECH ARCH
how are you
working ofcourse

12:52 PM  ME:
browsing wikipedia?

12:52 PM  TECH ARCH
sure
no
working hard

12:53 PM  ME:
acho cho...

12:53 PM  TECH ARCH
i am incharge of a big multi channel implementation
so, no time to sleep

12:53 PM  ME:
multi channel implemetation..

12:53 PM  TECH ARCH
yeah, we are doing a hybris implementaiton for a childrens clothing client

12:53 PM  ME:
indhe peru solarthuke yenaku oru naal agum...

12:54 PM  TECH ARCH
all kinds of cross channel, ecommerce, oms, wms etc etc

12:54 PM  ME:
ok , u carry on. i dont want to disturb u..
hope things will go smooth..

12:54 PM  TECH ARCH
if we had done this for limited, we would have done this for 4 years and charged them 50 million dollars
sure, thanx
no disturbance, i like talking to you
inbetween relaxation
how is ur spring studies coming along

12:58 PM  ME:
good..
as n when i reading, i learn how much more i have to read..
its like never ending thing..

1:02 PM  TECH ARCH
yes
just pick what you need and go with you
how are your parents
and husband

1:04 PM  ME:
all r good here..

1:04 PM  TECH ARCH
how is ur brother doing

1:05 PM  ME:
ya in final year now..

1:05 PM  TECH ARCH
what is his newest fad

1:05 PM  ME:
fad?

1:05 PM  TECH ARCH
latest fashion

1:05 PM  ME:
ha ha.. u have seen him?

1:08 PM  TECH ARCH
yes, i saw him in your marriage
unga veetu hero

1:08 PM  ME:
he have apple ipad now..
my father got him..
he is playing games in it all the time..
i told him to delete games from it, as final semesters are approching..
it is a big time waste

1:08 PM  TECH ARCH
cool
lucky guy

1:09 PM  ME:
i know..
he have all possible gadgets..

1:09 PM  TECH ARCH
he looks just like your male version though

1:09 PM  ME:
ha ha ha.. ya, we have a lot in common..

1:09 PM  TECH ARCH
like what
other than looks and smartness

1:10 PM  ME:
thank you thank you..

1:10 PM  TECH ARCH
is he also funny like you

1:10 PM  ME:
he is a lot cooler than me
once i lost my bag in local train

1:11 PM  TECH ARCH
hard to imagine, but he does look cool

1:11 PM  ME:
it had some clothes in it..
and i was upset..
he told me, just think like u donated it to some needy ppl
it will reach some needy ppl anyway..
he speaks less in terms of phylosophy..
but he makes lots of sense, in just few words..
sometimes i feel ashmaed of having such a narrow mind..

1:13 PM  TECH ARCH
oh
yeah, may be you should feel good for losing your bag
but, feeling bad does not help either
but, all we are, are a mixed bag of feelings

1:14 PM  ME:
ha ha.. yes..
im little low in emotions..

1:14 PM  TECH ARCH
why do you say that

1:14 PM  ME:
i dont have much feeling as such..

1:15 PM  TECH ARCH
interesting

1:15 PM  ME:
i dont know, im like that..
once i read a book on emotions

1:15 PM  TECH ARCH
every one have strong feelings on some situations
not every one feels the same way
like i dont cry watching sad movies
does not mean i am not emotional

1:16 PM  ME:
me too... not much..

1:16 PM  TECH ARCH
esp, with nostalgic situations, people close to you etc, you are bound to get emotional

1:16 PM  ME:
yes yes, but i dont admit it..

1:16 PM  TECH ARCH
its ok
but, admit it to atleast a small set of people
dont have to admit to everyone

1:17 PM  ME:
ok, i will tell u about the book..

1:17 PM  TECH ARCH
that is why you have friends
sure,

1:17 PM  ME:
its called roller coster of emotions..

1:17 PM  TECH ARCH
which book is it

1:17 PM  ME:
it explains biologically why each feeling exists

1:18 PM  TECH ARCH
cool
why does it exist

1:18 PM  ME:
like happyness, sadness, jelousy, etc
there were 9 emotions... explained in details

1:19 PM  TECH ARCH
ok

1:19 PM  ME:
they did lot of experements. and the results were shared in that book..
like happiness...

1:19 PM  TECH ARCH
ok
what is the crux of this book

1:19 PM  ME:
when u r happy u smile..
at the same time, when u smile.. u will feel happy

1:20 PM  TECH ARCH
apparently all this is driven by harmones and driven by a biological need to survive and reproduce

1:20 PM  ME:
its vis a versa
excatly..

1:20 PM  TECH ARCH
i knew, everything eventually gets tied back to this
it is trivializing but with good sense

1:21 PM  ME:
interesting was disgust feeling..
it is there so that we can avoid poisonous food from eating..

1:22 PM  TECH ARCH
wow
you know so much, it is sometimes astonishing

1:22 PM  ME:
i used to read some wierd books..
gives me a nice point of view on ordinary things

1:23 PM  TECH ARCH
makes sense

1:23 PM  ME:
like once i said, freakonomics..
u said u watched the movie of it..

1:24 PM  TECH ARCH
i saw the move, yes
it was interesting
some of the points they mentioned was very true also
i must read this book on emotions though

1:25 PM  ME:
nice..
u can download from torrent i guess.

1:25 PM  TECH ARCH
coz, i also sometimes feel, i have low emotions, may be this will help me understand wht it is

1:25 PM  ME:
http://books.google.co.in/books?id=fTio56YfIkUC&dq=roller+coaster+of+emotions&hl=en&sa=X&ei=G4qGT8ODK4zjrAeCqsWtBg&ved=0CDYQ6AEwAA

1:25 PM  TECH ARCH
sure
did you buy the book

1:26 PM  ME:
ha ha.. welcome to my boat..
i did, but i think ilost it.. didnt see it from a long time..
must have lend it to someone..

1:26 PM  TECH ARCH
ok
what did you learn from it
do you think you have become too rational to be emotional
like sheldon cooper from big bang theory

1:27 PM  ME:
i learnt that,its ok not to be emotional in this age..
as most of the things are not valid for a human..

1:28 PM  TECH ARCH
ok
what are not valid for a human

1:28 PM  ME:
im not able to recollect stuff from the book..
like disgust is not valid now

1:29 PM  TECH ARCH
ok

1:29 PM  ME:
we wont eat any insect anyway..
we know which is food and which is not..
on the similar line.. there is concept called engrams

1:30 PM  TECH ARCH
oh

1:30 PM  ME:
which helps keep animals from danger..

1:30 PM  TECH ARCH
bad smelly thing right

1:30 PM  ME:
and it is a big set back for human from success..

1:31 PM  TECH ARCH
oh

1:31 PM  ME:
no it some mental .... picture..

1:31 PM  TECH ARCH
ok

1:31 PM  ME:
in our subconsiousness.
i read it one of the 'how to be success ful book'

1:31 PM  TECH ARCH
cool
how did you get so much interest in reading

1:32 PM  ME:
may be from my father... but u shouldnt be impressed by this.,,
i should be learning from u..

1:33 PM  TECH ARCH
what am i doing except work
i wish i could be like you
always happy

1:33 PM  ME:
no no u memorized the whole wikipedia..

1:33 PM  TECH ARCH
not really

1:33 PM  ME:
u r too good in history n stuff..

1:34 PM  TECH ARCH
it is a life time of interest gathered over a period of time

1:34 PM  ME:
remember u once spoke about quaker oats

1:34 PM  TECH ARCH
i have general interest in history
what did i speak

1:35 PM  ME:
ha ha, reverse KT?
that day i got my new voice recorder..

1:35 PM  TECH ARCH
its ok, i actually forgot

1:35 PM  ME:
and it was recorded in it..

1:35 PM  TECH ARCH
cool
was that not about spices or something

1:35 PM  ME:
that it was from a group of ppl - from germany i guess..
they wear tall hats..

1:36 PM  TECH ARCH
yes correct
that was about corn flakes not oats

1:36 PM  ME:
topic started on honey bunch

1:36 PM  TECH ARCH
quakers were a minority religious group that came up with corn flakes
correct
exactly
now, i remember

1:37 PM  ME:
:)

1:37 PM  TECH ARCH
too much, how did you even remember

1:37 PM  ME:
i heard it recently when i was getting board..

1:37 PM  TECH ARCH
and you know what, i talk such things only with very few people and one of them is you

1:38 PM  ME:
that talk was interesting..

1:38 PM  TECH ARCH
:)

1:38 PM  ME:
wish u had talk something techincal also, i would have learnt something

1:38 PM  TECH ARCH
ennamo ponga
may be sometime

1:39 PM  ME:
it must be getting very late for u..
its 1.39 here
whats time there?

1:39 PM  TECH ARCH
yeah, need to crash
1 09
pacific time zone

1:40 PM  ME:
cool...
not much... than i expected..
ok... bye bye..

1:40 PM  TECH ARCH
anyway, catch you later

1:40 PM  ME:
very nice talking to u..

1:40 PM  TECH ARCH
thanks for the chat
bye

Another happy moment today

So, it was a normal day. earlier today MIL spoke well today, n i couldn't take it. so i blogged about it. but i guess it came to normal in the night. so as usual, no one was talking to me in this house and i was dreading for the day to end, so that i get to get out of here tomorrow morning (office).
I asked MIL if i have to do something for dinner, and the familiar cold reply came. so i went back to study. and FIL had left now. we had dinner. and MIL had dinner and she hid her face from me, while eating, awkward - she stood, turned and started eating. i didn't understand. but i didn't care. and then i realized she might be crying. you have no idea, the only happy news for me in this entire long weekend. the only time i felt like smiling, i was gleaming actually. i have very little food today, but im feeling very full. heart content.

A pleasant surprise.

Today the MIL spoke normally. i mean, there was less ego. it was like the end of one week program that i did, where i spoke normally to her for one week, no matter how she reacted. as if i was new to her. and didnt have any idea of how she will snub me.
today i didnt try doing anything like that. i just gave up, and tried doing what i should be doing, and frankly got used to her cold stares and talk. but suddenly out of blue she spoke normally.
when i went to kitchen and asked what can i do as usual, and expecting a cold stare or a cold silence from her, she said - dont know what to cook. i was about to faint there. i was like, helloe, u r not supposed to talk to me, u forgot?
may be my FIL came and he must have said something to her, like my husband keeps telling things to me.

Yes, it is good thing. but its too late now. i dont want this now. i have made up my mind of getting rid of her. she will never change, no matter what, she will be d same. and i dont want anymore drama.
it like u wash a dog, put on clothes to him and server food in gold plate, it will still bark. there are something that no one can change, basic character. and her basic character is beyond repair. i gave up hope of ever liking her and staying with her. im getting rid of her. get lost bitch. i dont need u. And dont try to put up with me. go back to ur old bitchy behavior.

skipping interview tomorrow

Long time i posted here, I have been for a roller coaster ride till now.
MIL, Office... everything is so bad. When im at home im dying to go to office. when at office im dying to go home. no where no go.
I have taken a sudden break, went to my place when my dad came here. i just took off.  And little better now.
With MIL, seems like we are now agreeing not to agree. we came to peace with that one. Bitch is quite these days. fuck her still.
Tomorrow i have an interview with oracle, and im freaking out so much, that now i have decided not to go.
I will prepare for some more time. :( as im studying more n more, my heart beat was pumping more and more, n felt like fainting. i think i cant handle this. what if i faint there. i will take some more time,  prepare a stratergy and they take it little slowly.

Nothing worked for me, me calming my mind. trying to calm her. nothing worked and nothing was defenalty fun.
so i have new trick for this week, yes a new mission... youuu hoooo...
And this one is to irritate my MIL. so much fun. when i talk she make faces. lets enjoy this. im going to talk more to her, so that she would make face, n im going to enjoy it... doesnt it sound fun...
get set go.... :D

Chat with a friend

Today, i had a chat with this friend of mine. he is bit of a spiritual, and we often find ourself discussing such stuff. today i told him that my mind is wandering and like thinking stuff like garbage, so much that i m worried about it now. then he told me, how im to the path of realizing the higher me. i identified my problem that is half the solution. now i have to work towards it. meditation...
he told many metaphor also -
1. when u ride a roller-coaster, you feel very happy, why? because those few mins all your thought, the garbage thoughts vanish. and the real self is free from the thoughts. and the true self is always happy. we have find it and connect with it.
2. if universe is a person as a whole, then god is the mind and we are like each part, say hand. the problem arises when hand starts to think and make its own decision and everything is a mess. believe in the supreme power and everything will be in order.
3. Dog as a pet is so happy, because it dont think. its only we who complicate things, by cluttering our mind.
4. Einstein said - God is real, everything else is detail. we needn't concentrate on it.
5. All  the religion esentially teach us how to stop clutting our mind and bring out the real self. our thoughts are not us. we need to seperate our thoughts from us, and see our self as different from those thoughts.
6. A camera cant claim to be a movie. camera is a mere tool to capture a movie. out mind is a mere tool for thoughts. our mind is a tool. it is not good or bad. its thought that is good or bad. and we are the master of the tool

God, i get angry so easily, and my BP shoots up.
My MIL have this amazing talent to turn a good happy laughing situation to a uneasy, unformatable one. Bitch!!! God i hate her.

So, I'm blogging after a long time, which means i was happy and busy for 4 days. because i went out of station - to my moms place. And i came back yesterday, and Bitch is still giving me cold looks, why would she do that? she can smile, at others but not to me. but u know what, when i went home i saw how my dad's behavior, man he would beat my MIL, had she be a women. his attitude towards my mom and brother is so shocking. i mean he is from a same family. he is a dad, a husband. how will a person feel if the dad or husband is too cold. in that matter my MIL is just 50% of that, he is that cold towards them. pathetic. the grass is not green that that side either. things are bad every where.

but man, still i couldn't tolerate this bitch. her high pitched nagging voice is uuuuffff... too much to take. her cold look, sometime, well not sometimes, always, i feel like slapping me. knocking her head so hard with a iron bar like they show in movies.

i feel sick sometimes, for storing up this much of hatred and anger in heart. i need a vent or diversion for this. i feel sick. take some somewhere far off this place. keep me busy.

i came early today to home, because my mom was at home, i thought she might get bugged hearing MIL yapping like crazy, though i didnt want to come, had so much work at office, my Lead is so bad, she wants to dump all the work on us, and wants us to finish it in seconds. so, thats is a big pressure point.
most importantly that i wanted to type now is that, when i entered house, MIL opened the door and smile, r u kidding me? r u serious,? smile? really? at me? seriously man... out of the world...

My mind is so fucked up. I mean its like spinning. I didn’t sleep yesterday night, I was so angry. Latterly, I was angry the whole time. I felt like smashing something. So much anger build up in me, and I have to vent it out somehow, by not causing any bad move.

I was just waiting for the alarm to ring and I can go to office, get the hell out of the house.

All the past was running in my mind, like how MIL treats me. How she gives me cold look, all this were in my mind, while I was getting ready, and I came out pretty soon. I wanted to go out and stand in the fresh air and wait for the bus. And my mom came out, packed my lunch and spoke all sweetly, with love and funnily, but I couldn’t smile. My through was chocking, I wanted to get the hell out of there before I become all teary. But my mom kept asking what happed.. and u know when someone does that, its even more hard to stop the tear. I'm sorry, but my mom had to see my tears. I quickly rushed out. It was so hard not to cry, tears kept coming back….

 

I don’t know what I can tell her now. I did upset her. I mean , I never cry, and she knows that. She knows me as a strong person. I never cry.

Thank god there is a place called office. And u can get away from home and literally stop thinking about home for some 6-10 hours.