I am not yet there, I still get provoked. My smallest of smallest mistake will cost me dearly. I have to control and improve. I have come far but not enough, still very long way to go. Oh god, please give me strength. Fill love in me, so much that there is no space for anything. Nothing else. 100 pure love.
My husband is very edgy. He is weak. He needs lot of help. He needs a calm place to stay. Make me strong enough to take care of him. I shouldn't have any weakness. Make me strong. Give me immense physical strengths mental strength emotional strength.

25 Nov - Day 1

Let's start a new series. Lot if things have changed in the last year. I am a totally new person now. Can't believe I am in a position to say this, there were times when life seemed like dead end and couldn't see myself making through it.
Now I have got extra energy. Most importantly got hope that things can be changed and improved if I changed. I can change easily, I have done it many times I love doing it again n again.
I can be a whole new person again. I can totally be anyone. You name it no can be it.
Most important thing in my life is too not waste energy in the 10 traits- anger, jealousy, hate, disappointment, criticism, blaming self, fear, stress, anxiety, laziness.
But replace it with one thing- love, patience, oneness with God, lots n lots of energy from the abundant reservoir, believe in abundance,

I miss a shoulder

Im finding hard to accept my husband, being so... useless, passing on responsibility to others, blaming me for every small problem he has to face. Today i was reminded of one day. After 1.5 years my daughter was born he had the first oppertunity to come to doctor for her vaccination. When needle prepration was going on, he got nervous and he said he will wait outside, he cant see this.
Where is my support system???? I need a shoulder to fall back. I miss it. I miss it so much.

Jee main aatha hai tere daman mein Sar jukha ke hum, rothe rahe.. rothe rahe

God, i dont know what I want. My mind is so sad, yearning for something that i didnt wanted.
Why we hate what we have and always yearn for something that we dont.
God, listening to old hindi songs should probably be banned for me.

Deep pain. For no reason.

Life in reverse

I was watching Agneepath movie of 2013. The heroine dies few minutes after her marriage and says she has lived the entire life in those minute and she is happy to go. That made me think, in all sense she is right. After that anyway it is not worth living.

Long back i read somewhere, how life should have been in reverse order. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, then you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, get laid, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating in warm liquid.

Similarly, Get married and die. That would be a happy ending in the love story.

 

Sunday, 14th February 2016 - 10:30 pm

Had a quite productive weekend, all because i wrote down in a piece of paper what im going to do this weekend. I was like super active and busy, I had drag myself a small task at a time to mark it off the list, and wola not bad ...

Friday, i went to get my license, I made rice and kadi on Friday night which got me though the whole of Saturday as well.
Saturday morning i went to doctor to get blood test. Was so week by the time it was done, that went straight to subway for breakfast. Then slept, couldn't stay awake, was very weak. Then managed to eat lunch by 2 and slowly pull my self together to clean bathroom and kitchen. Was so careful not to exhaust myself. Had dinner and slept. Sunday was not getting started, but had to go out to buy some food for breakfast. then slowly, covered the stove with aluminum and made chapati with all purpose flour. it was ok... and ready made curry. also did laundry. One major work that im really proud of is cleaned the laundry room. I also found my passport. Had watermelon and blueberry for dinner. ironed my clothes,, broomed and moped the floor. All set to sleep now.

Have to get up early to wash my hair and go to pathology for a urea breadth test in empty stomach.

Friday, 12th February 2016 - 10:00 pm

Im getting despo... should focus on something useful before i end up doing something stupid.

I got a weekly organizing chart, i think it is like post it. hope it will channel my energy well for sometime  atleast.
One proud this i did today was, applied for my license and got a temp license for now. I can use it...
Also, was super hungry in the evening, couldnt thinkabout eating fruits in the night. So made rice and kadi.

Tomorrow i have to have to go to doctor for check up. it is getting postponed for very long time..
I will also clean my bathroom tomorrow.

Thursday, 11th February 2016 - 11:00 pm

I hope all is well. But all will be well soon. I am optimistic, i wait for good days.  Is that optimism? Dont know. Sad version of optimism may be.
No major problem now, im so afraid i will lose it, i am not moving forward for this fear....

No plans for tomorrow, Its just lazy friday.

Wednesday, 10th February 2016 - 11:00 pm

could have slept by 9:30 today. since that was very early, browsed for 5 mins, and look at the time. internet is the MAYA.

Hey bhagwan, muje is maya se mukth karo.

I have kept the paper ready for my driving licence, i will go there tomorrow. wonder where i kept my passport?

Tuesday, 9th February 2016 - 10:30 pm

Got up late and went to office late. Why routine is going out of control?
Need clear idea and guidance.
Im wasting time and getting disatisfied.

but today i moped the floor again.

Tomorrow i will get up by 6 and do meditation.

Monday, 8th February 2016 - 10:50 pm

Day was not bad, it was better. I managed to cook, iron, broom and mop. In the morning did head bath, though got up late.
I brought few cleaning liquids today. have to clean the house. Have got house inspection in 2 weeks, more over if i vacate the house, i have to leave it sparkling clean...

People are forgiving and getting happier... Good...

Plan for tomorrow. Get up by 6 bath, yoga pranayama and meditation. It been veryyyyyyy long time now. Plz...

Sunday, 7th February 2016 - 10:00 pm

What a waste today was, why did i spiral back into lazy mode, i was doing so well?
May be i need more clear and defined short and long terms goal.

let me set tomorrow goals for now, morning i will get up at 6. take head bath. wash combs, cut nails, put cloths in wardrobes. eat banana and nuts. do pranyama alone and leave.
Office - copy rulesets.
buy bread - so that i can skip making chapathi.
tidy up fridge in the evening after cooking. and sleep by 9.
Thats all. Good night now. See you tomorrow at same time

It was me

It was not about you, oh my love, it was never about you.
I wish i was mature enough then than what i am now, in fact much more than what i am now.

How far a person goes, has nothing to do with the magnitude of the situation. It never was. Turn the pages of history and every page will be filled with millions of example of it, both positive and negative. i wish i can quote a suitable example here to fit it...

Like the amount of light that gets in the room, has nothing to do with the colors that are shown. An object that is red, will always show red. If it is very sunny, it be bright red, if it dark and cloudy, it would be dark red. If an object is black, it will always be black.. the amount of light falling has no effect on it. A white object, will shine in the darkest days also...
We as a human, always blame the situation for our state. But, dear oh dear. look inside, You are what you are. as long as you blame others, 2 things are going to happen. 1. You will continue to avoid the responsibility to change. 2. You will be bogged down with this heavy feeling that others have control over you and you are powerless. so, even if you have no intention to take the responsibility to change you, at least realize this truth to remove the negative feeling of powerlessness.