You got it girl

I am just tried now. out of no where. I want a break.

Things were so good so far. I might have jinxed it, everything was going as per my plan. 

My plan: 

Slowly infuse love in my life and people around me. It will happen, you have to just wait and not lose your cool. 

You are the CEO of this family, if you sit down and give up, things will not move.

With right energy push, you will have a life you want. Try not to mess up any time. 

Another fight with my husband, and I hit him very much

So, I lost my self and slapped my husband many times in a fight. 

I have totally wrecked it now. It is a very big deal for him. 

Yes, there are many issues with him, that I want him to fix. But that won't happen. How can I fix this?

I am planning to see phycologist for my self over anger issue and other things to improve my emotional health.

I don't know how many more days this fight is going to go. 

I think I did a pretty good job on handling the aftermath and fixing it. I spoke to him, and it seems he had cooled down a bit. But not sure, he might go back to it again.

Worstdays of my life. I am confident now, I can't do it on my own and need professional help. 

I look for positive things in all the situation, I am trying to do the same here as well. Hope, that is what I am holding on to. 

I have a best life, let me not lose it.

Deep thoughts of husband

So, today a bit of fight happened. We tried a lot not to fight but he wants to fight over small things.

Changed Husband suddenly

 So, we went to India. Damu went a month earlier than us to attend his cousin wedding. so he ran out of leaves pretty quickly and had to return by christmas. We stayed back and went to delhi and enjoyed. During new year time he was alone and was doing over thinking and messaged me , that how he is not happy with the way his marriage is going. i didnt reply anything. But when i came back i was surprised to see his changed behaviour. Oh My God! he is very nice to me, he says thanks for everything. In the morning he comes around to hug and kiss me. He said that he is a changed mad now and then he will never ever fight with me again. I was skeptical, how can a negative person suddenly become so positive. anyway, i wanted to just go with the flow. as my new year resoultion is to trust god 100% and nothing can ever go wrong in my life. so it was all roses for 3 days. and today we had the talk, and i tried hard not to spill any beans, but things came out of my mouth a bit. I said some stuff. not sure what will happen. lets hope for best. as i said, every single leaf moves for my benefit.

Another fight with my husband, a lot more clarity and a lot more insight

So my husband is going to India in 2 days, yesterday was the weekend and he was busy shopping and packing. He needed to take printout and daughter passport scan copy. We went to officeworks. We did all those work. Daughter in the mean time got some pens to gift for her friend at the birthday party. My husband budget was 10$(which I came to know later). I as such didn't had any budget. my daughter said the pens would cost rougly for 8 dollars, I took her words and told him. In the billing counter, it was 20$. He was so angry. He tapped the card and stormed out of the store and all the way back he was yelling at both of us. He missed a couple of turns while driving in thelat anger and it made the journey all the way even more stressfully for all of us. Then as we reached out driveway he asked if I got my daughter passport safely with me. And I was shocked to see, I didn't have it with me. We left it at the scanner. Then he put all the balm on me and started calling names on me and my parents and all my family in general. I kept quite, didn't talk back anything. He kept yelling. The store was closing when we left so we were not hopefull, that we will be able to get it yesterday. We tried to call them and no one was picking it up. When we reached the store, no one in the store and it was locked. The stores opens today at 7 so we thought we can come tomorrow morning and check. On the way back, he was yelling again, adding few more points in his argument that I was the worst person and that he is the best. 

When we came home I was afraid he will go straight to bed, making it difficult for me to feed him, given there was no food at home and it would take more than an hour to prepare food. Thankful he was quite and had coffee and food when offered. So night went quietly. I was super happy that I don't have to have sex for next 2 days and then he will be gone. 

So today we will go and check. And hopefully will get it.

Another fight with my husband: some insights and clarity

 So, we had a nice vacation. Gov gave us free vouchers to stay, so we used that and went to stay near by place called 'The entrance'.  It was ok, the same old miser husband, what fun can you expect. used the dine in voucher, and for one day made and packed food from home. Still he was not happy that the expense on those days were high, because, of the drinks and icecream that we got from coles. oh common!

Anyways, coming back to the fight, i just said something rudly about not to scold Tanusha and that's all his fuse was blown out. same old story - i didnt get transfer after the wedding immediately, then when got pregnant went away from home and didnt come back at all. he didnt spend time with tanusha in her inital 4 years, my dad made him invest in a useless life insurance, he didnt buy a house till now, there are cockroaches in the home. Same old story. that he is doing all the work of cooking, cleaning, picking up tanusha and shopping. 

Now its been 4 days and he is still not talking. I dont know how i am holding up, because when he behaves like that with me, there is a shiver in my body. Yes, i am ashamed to say that i am so weak. i cant even handle this much of pressure. 

But i am trying to stay positive. one feedback that he gave me was, i talk very rudely. like my dad, like talking to a third person with no compassion, when i am upset. he said same thing others say it differently. I am working on that feedback, in the meantime. 

1. Always this kind of tension has only brought in better of me, i took a giant leap only when this kind of pressure is there. I think this is a good thing, this fight. The tension in the house is unbearable. 

Manly trip : Advice from a wise lady

Yesterday was fun day. They made public transport free, so we went to Manly by ferry. I met a lady whose both kids went to selective school. We asked her how she did it and she said a lot of things, out of which I understood only half, because of her accent and fast talking and wearing mask. But I could understand which I already know. She talked about being discipled etc. 

The most important thing I want to remember is that how she leaned to let it go and calm her self down. She gets along of (I don't know what to call it) let's assume kind of tumour in her finger. And it goes away when she is calm. Again when she fights with her husband, it comes back. So it was like an indicator that her body is in stress and needs to calm down. She said it is easy to say let go, but it is a process to learn it. 

I am going to start that process. I, from now on will not worry about anything, 

1. No matter what my husband does or doesn't do. I am bigger than him and the situation. I will remain calm. God is with me, nothing will happen to me.

2. No matter what my daughter does or doesn't do, I am bigger than the situation and will never ever again lose my cool and get angry on her or hot her, this bad habit is stopping right now.

3. My relatives, no matter who criticize me about anything, it will not affect me. I am bigger than any of them. They can't make me stressed. I don't have to waste any of my energy on them. Save my energy for the things that matter. When you are successful the same people will come too you too appreciate you.

4. Work: this should give me the least amount of stress, because I don't own the company, I work for someone. They should have the stress, not me.

I talked about the things that I won't do, now let me list down the things that I will do.

1. I will look at the bigger picture and believe in myself, my strength, my capability.

2. Go to gym regularly. Stronger mind needs stronger body. Gym will make your bones strong, your core muscle strong.

3. Catch yourself when you are not happy or started out angry. And remind yourself, you are much stronger than the situation, a calm mind can get out of any situation. Remember the scary dream I had couple of weeks ago. I dreamt that my warden caught me doing lesbian things to a girl on the bed. I panicked and woke up and felt relived that it is just a dream, then I asked my self, what of it was a real life, then how will I handle it, would I be happy that I died on that spot? No, that mindset is not healthy. So I went back to the dream and tried to continue it, I told her, yes we did some natty thing because we were missing out husbands and were just helping each other. This is infact a healthy expression of women sexuality, every person need is important not just men need. Ya, a bunch of crap that I don't mean, but good for the sake of argument. So, see being calm helped me think clearly than panic and take bad decision.

4. Please include meditation in your daily schedule. It is possible to find the right time.

5. Please find time to study and attend interview.