Visualise

Social:

1. Be more charming, not awkeward
2. Be in touch with your friends
3. Meet them once in a while

Fun:

1. Don't watch movies. They spoil your instincts. You started believing when something good is happening for a long time, something bad is going to happen. The way it happens in all the movie.
2. Vacation, in destination and hotel.
3. Meet college friends
4. 
   

Finance:

1. Buy house
2. Become financially more strong
3. Let money grow even while i sleep
4. No wastage of money.
5. Invest wisely
6. 
   

Career:

1. Be the best programmer
2. Learn about designs
3. Lean about algorithms
4. Learn about new technology
5. Learn to deal with politics at work
6. Learn to deal with boss
7. Learn to priortize
8. Learn to give the best to client
9. Show progress, Show the contribution, Show work done

Family:

1. More fun time
2. Peace and trust
3. Lot more love in the house
4. Independent people (not too many dependency on me)

Romance:

1. Better trust and understanding
2. More fun to be around
3. Trust your husband. He is probably right.

Health:

1. Eat healthy food
2. Exercise
3. Better sleep
4. Stay with in 60 KG. Aim for 55kg.
5. I want to be fit, active, flexible and free from any pains for a very very long time into my old age. 
6. I want to be free from any diseases. 
7. I want a strong nervous system.

Personal Development:

1. Better time management, prioratize
2. Better finance management
3. Better organising home
4. Better mother
5. Better wife
6. Better health/cooking
7. I want to be best in my spellings and grammer.

Intellect:

1. Do puzzeles
2. Read more books

Spiritual:
1. Never forget that I am part of a bigger self.
2. Keep expanding my spiritual understanding.

Ultimate goal:

1. I want to help womens in some way to find freedom and liberation. Libration from the social pressure, libration from suppressing their dreams, libration from house hold chores. Libration from child care responsibilities.

Just lost

Right now, i have the feeling of just lost. I am feeling so helplessness, not wanting to do anything. scared if i talk to anyone, my anger would spoil the perfectly alright relationship that i am trying to maintain at home. I don't understand why i am so lost and angry. Sometimes just one thing would just trigger it out.
I am trying to get user organised and the more i try to do it, even a smaller set back makes me think, is there any point to put so much effort like a crazy girl in being organised when everything just crumbles down. Even though it might be just a small problem, but i see it as a wasteful thing that i have been doing and it bothers me so much that i became very silent. What confuses me is that i become upset and disoriented for very small things, and i can't express myself otherwise 

Dream today

I dreamt that my brother was trying to kill me by tricking me. I, at the moment, felt this is going to be my last moment and realised the way I was fooled by him cleverly.
First, I was not in talking terms with him but was ready to help/talk if needed. Second, he was could control a dog which was not friendly with others. I was appreciative of it, but not verbally. Third, I was doing an exercise he joined in and was making the dog to copy his moves. Fourth, I forgot what it was exactly, but there was an element of I winning something. Fifth, he modified the moves and for some reason, I started copying it, rather was trying it out. Sixth, he felt like he was struck and I was trying to help him. Seventh, he pounced on me and locked me down. He was on top of me, holding my hands. I couldn't move or push him. He then was proceeding to bite my neck. I was calling for help, but there was no one. I was shouting for my mother, but I knew my mother even if she was there she won't help me against my brother. She will always support my brother. I felt hopeless and repented for me getting lured into the trap. That really felt like the last moment of my life that I woke up.
I realised how he got my trust, then waited for me to be in a position to attack me. I was lured into it, by winning something. My greed. When I got up, I wanted to note it down. This is a lesson. There are people all around me, who are doing things only to get back from me something. Accept no favour, please. That's the message I want to give you now.

Eklavya

Do you know Eklavya from the epic Mahabarath? He asked guru Dhronachariya to teach him archery. But Guru Dhronacharya declined him due to his caste. But Eklavya, made a statue of him and assumed the statue as his guru and started practising archery in front of it. His passion combined with his love for guru Dhronachariya alone made him excellent archer. But the actual guru was he fit for that love? When the guru met and learned about this, he asked his thumb as guru fees. Had Eklavya not met guru or interestingly, he had hidden the fact that he learned due to the guru then his thumb would have been safe.

I have a guru Dhronachariya in my life. I am so devoted to him. But is he fit for that kind of respect when he is not reciprocating anything in return. If I reveal to him that I crossed the many hurdles based on his teaching, would he ask for my thumb? I would just not reveal anything to him. Let him be in his own world, and I will be in my fantasy world, keeping him as my guru in the form of a statue, and imagining all the wonderful advice and guidance he would have given me and cared for me.

When you left you left a big void in me. The void is so big, that now I realise you yourself wouldn't have filled the void. So now I am not repenting of losing you. But me and my void are keeping company for 10 years now. Still have lot of getting used to left to do.

My Guardian angel around me

I got this idea, that my favourite God, my guardian angel is around me in every person. Its my guardian angel who is my husband, my mother, my child, my mother in law, my neighbour, my boss, my colleague. It helps you know, this kind of thought, that my guardian angel is the one who is helping me, or who is giving me tough time, or who is intimidating me. But it is actually him in everyone's form guiding me and making me stronger and better in each interaction. 

New habbit

Forming a new habit needs constants reminders and a push, but once it is formed then the constant reminder becomes annoying.

Like how drinking warm water early in the morning as soon i wake up was a habit that i formed 2 years ago, i needed an app to remind me of it, but slowly i started enjoying the activity and i started doing other things along with it, adding more and more reminders but the number of reminders started becoming so annoying that i felt like quitting it all.

now i realised that the key is to add one reminder only till it becomes a habit and then move on to next habit. Don't aim to have the reminder your whole life, slowly all the reminders are to be removed from your calendar so that you will live your life as if that's the norm.

Best of luck!

Did everything except study.

I almost started well today, after breakfast around 10:30 i did some cleaning of a self. Then i made some chart and calendar for my daughter. But after that i felt tired. Didn't do anything after that. In the night i washed lots of utensils. Didn't study a bit today. Just waiting to go to sleep now.
No plan for tomorrow as of now.

New plan again - start Kotlin study

I want to start new again. So i have quit my job nearly a year ago. and have been just relaxing and focusing on other aspect of my life. and man i loved taking care of the house and learning to manage house and kid and husband. i still want to fix my house organising a lot more, but i feel i have given up my career a lot.
Today i started to do an online course on kotlin, and man i am in love with learning again.
Will keep updating daily on what i did and plans for tomorrow.

Plan for tomorrow:
1. fix the door
2. arrange one shelf
3.  continue the kotlin course, hopefully you can finish tomorrow.

Chess and my life

In chess, the queen is more powerful. She is there to protect the king. Even when she is killed the game is not over. The king is probably the weakest, only after the soilder.  He has no power, plus he does nothing. But if he is killed, then the game is over, no matter how many the queen had killed.