How this weekend went

This weekend was also a kind of little rough, but definitely better than any day.
So how it went. On friday night, there was an anticipation if i will go to office. i didnt say anything to anyone. and my mil was breaking some utensils in kitchen. we slept by 11/11:30.
on sat morning i woke up by 7.15. i got up by and blogged (my previous post) and slept again. i got up by 9.30. and came out, bitch had made rice n rasam. she was making some curry/sambar. i asked her if i can cut beetroot, since it was kept outside in the kitchen. and she asked me to cut beetroot. i was happy she spoke to me something. she asked me to cut small. i did. and then she said something like i will put it in cooker... i dont know it was so faint and was not exactly a questions. but still, i know about this bitch. when she has spoken like a human? i said, put it in cooker. after cutting, i washed utensils, thats only confident that i can do in the kitchen. then i went to broom. thinking she would do the beetroot and curd. but she waited for me, when i came to hall to broom, she asked me to finish the curd. i was glad in a strange way, though her tone was not the pleasant one, i was glad she is improving. her normal one would make face and work her ass off like she is one poor thing and im torturing her. and that im the worst person ever and she have to live with me. at least something. and my point is, u do anything bitch, im going to run away as soon as possible. and never ever i will see ur face again. after making curd, my husband had early lunch. he had to go out. and then i guess my brother in law also had, i dont know. i went to take bath. when i came out dried my hair a little. the bitch was working her ass off. i came and had lunch. then she kept bucket ready for moping. i took it and started doing it. i did till hall when my husband came. after doing hall, she took over for the kitchen. i dont know whats the secret for me not letting wipe the kitchen or is she so good, that she can see me  exhausted by the time i finish hall. whatever bitch, whatever keeps u happy. after getting exhausted i went n slept. more over my husband said in the morning that he will take me out today at 4. and he was not telling me where. i was scared that he will take me to doctor. so, i 4, even though i got up, i was trying hard to sleep. and then i got up, combed my hair, folded cloths and by 5.30 went to shop near by but snacks n biscuits. when i came back by 6.30 my husband went out to temple. thats when bil called over phone to mil and she said him that we guys r going to movie, thats when i know that he is taking me to movie. when he came back, my mil asked me if i would also eat. i was washing utensils then, he came inside kitchen and asked me if i want to eat. i said ok. she was rolling chapatthi. then i started making chapthi. we ate fast and went to see ice age 4. it was good, and we also spoke little.
then when we came back by 10 exactly, mil was still up watching movie. brother in law was not coming home in the night. dont know, might come in the morning.
then me n my husband went to room and he wanted to watch another movie in laptop. i suggested surrogates, watched it for 20-30 mins, and then felt sleepy. so slept. good for him, because he didnt like this movie, coz it needed small brain to understand it.

Sunday, got up by 10. he spoke about going to doctor first. i said ok. then he said about me trying to austraila. and then he also asked about my travel to my home town. good he took all the topics, but im not comfortable with talking to him, i was like all yes, no, maybe. what ever answer he wanted to hear. yesterday went well, but that doesn't guarantee anything that she will be normal today. have learnt this in this 2 years. i came out by 10.30 and said i will make breakfast and the bitch was throwing attitude. u guys make, who ever wants to eat, make and eat. is this the way a lady talks in her house. bitch, no wonder i hate her. i asked i will make for u also, she said no, as expected. i made it with her interference all the time, by the no one can do work properly than her.
we eat by 11-11.30. by husband  went to buy chicken

New plan

My mom called me today. she is not talking to me. she could have freaked  out hearing about my condition. yes she talks all positive things, she cannot solve my problem. she did spoke all big things like she will come and stay with us, but then she would have thought that who will bare the bitch that im staying with. anyhow, i can totally understand. but, she called me twice, one to inform me that a baby is born to one of my close relative. and next today to talk about something. and both the time she is asking me, why im not calling her. i told her, u don't have mobile, how can i call you?
So, why she called me today was -> my grand mom called my fucking mother in law about some alliance thing may be. and my grand mom might have asked her about me and me getting pregnant. my mother in law would have said nothing till, and one or two dialog to prove that she is the sweetest person on earth. ya, nothing till now, that is also one problem blah blah. this much is enough to ignite fire in my puta family. my grand mom immediately called my mother and said, are going to come down here and take care of me for treatment or shall i only take her to doctor. And my mother ego was heart. she was all so pepped up. i will talk to astrologer, her idiotic belief. Man, i know she is my mother, but she is crazy.
Nothing much, i have sent my passport scanned copy to the new manager. talk about my plans in canada to bob. long time i spoke to tech arch, i miss him. didn't talk to him this whole week.
So im clear with my plan now.
Nov 2012 - go to canada
March 2013 - get a job in canada and quit my current company
June-Nov 2013 - get PR
Nov 2013 - bring my husband also to canada and get a job for him.
Nov 2014 - have a baby.

Yeppie!!!

I have been dying to tell u this. they are planning to send me to Canada :D:D
u have no idea how much im happy right now.
i know we,cannot trust my company, its a big time disappointment generator. but still, with this small hope, like thousand watts bulb is there in my life now. i already started dreaming about my life. i would study part time, i would get driving licence, i would search for another job. i would travel to my aunts place over weekend. and i would call my grand mother and the smallest of my cousin who is one year old now, to live with me for some time. i know building so much hope over my company is bad, but still i cant help it man. im so excited. this could be the one ultimate solution to all my problem.

I will say one more thing. just before this offer came to me, i mailed (no spoke) my husband about "Shall we get settled in Australia" and the topic immediately went to baby n house. ass hole!
When he is as good as not being considerate at all there is nothing wrong with me to treat him like a shit. i mailed him saying i have plans to take leave and go to my native. today again he mailed me asking one fucking question about my leave plans, i was so pissed off i didn't answer his mail for very  long time and in the end asked him how much is our internet bill and then that my dad has booked ticket for us to Dubai n Thailand. he mailed again something, but his way of asking is so irritating like i wanna punch something very hard. he is so least considerate. he is like in a separate tracks. we both want different things. and i don't want him or his mother.

So, u r asking me why i have not spoke about her mother in this post. well, no problem till now. its as if she is not there in this house for me, and for her as if im not there here. let it continue for few more months till i get visa. O God! please save me! its like u showed water to a dying person. now dont take it back.

All my plans will be cancelled now. im going to stop job search, stop taking one month leave, or stop looking for short term transfer. depending heavily on this new plan. please god, dont break me again. Cant wait now!!! :D:D

fought with husband

i dont know i get so much of anger. im highly angry with my husband right now. even though he didnt do anything usual. he was as usual, he was himself, as always with all annoying things. but dont know why im loosing my cool now n then even though i have made the compromise that i have to live with this idiot. The tip to control my anger - dip his brush in toilet, i forgot about it, because i didnt needed it for a long time. we really didnt speak. that way is better. stop talking to me altogether, asshole. by the way, today he was trying something. either he was bored, or trying to make me happy. highly impossible for the second option, but still its there in my list. im a gal after all. he was planning to go to a mall, then we settled to watch a movie in youtube, and he was his usual annoying way he spoke to me. i was asking him to switch off the fan and he said something and i broke off. and we didnt watch movie. not even one scene in the movie we saw.
i dont know how im going to live this irritating person for the rest of my life.

so many things for a days post

So, my MIL is smiling at me. she smiled at me twice when i had to talk to her something. 1. when i woke up in the morning and said i had to go early today(Friday) 2. When came from office yesterday n asked her if anything needs to be brought. hmmm... two things are possible - 1. She is in a good mood. because FIL is here for a week now, and she have someone to talk to whole day and every nonsense that runs in her mind would have been spilled out by now. and i know how nice it feels when u spill out everything thing after keeping it in your heart for sometimes. hello! we are ladies, we need to spill out n load our partner with trouble, and we feel happy n light in a strange way. So this could be one possibility. other wise 2. FIL would be angry with me, and would have scolded behind my back or planned something with MIL like moving out (thats all they can do) or that he would talk to me (i know when ppl, third person, when he sees our our house, i seems to be on blame because i dont take any household responsibility). so again strange, we ladies feel little bit pity, mixed with the thing trying to look friendly or trying to look like an innocent one.
i know we are complicated creatures, no man can master this technique. but i dont pity u guys, u think straight which helps solving the problem quicker (if any problem does exist). we worry for nothing and if real problem exist, either we dont worry or we complicate even more) but any how we dont solve it.
so coming back, my point is, right now the heat in this house has reduced. although im trained not to believe anything like this, so the urge to move out of this house has come down drastically. mainly because as the time is getting closer and amount of risk it involves, im shit scared. and also with MIL all smiling and reducing the heat in the house.
And one thing out of this context, when i hear MIL talk to anybody (FIL, BIL, my husband) my heart sinks with fear sitting in my room. i feel like she is complaining about be. And that too she have such a bad accent, all dragging and negative. it hard to understand her what she is talking. bitch!
so coming back to the point, yesterday i was trying hard to think clear. i wrote down all the options that i can think of in a paper and showed to bob. yes i met him yesterday, that is a separate story, i will tell you later. But with the heat reducing and the other factors like project is not going live for another couple of days, and my friend is not in the town where i was planning to stay with her. And most important thing, im super confused. i should put this plan off for few days. let me start all  over again if i feel like i should take a break. yes, this decision is causing some friction with my ego, because i was so desperate to quit n run away n now im telling my self to compromise because that days are not that bad. even my husband is trying to improve situation, imrove the relation between us. he is trying to be sweet with me. MIL smiling, husband sweet, Hello, cant u guys hold on for few more days n wait for me to run away? why u guys do this and turn the situation better now n confuse me in the last moment?
Now other stories, before bob story i will about my husband - yesterday he asked me about my medicine if its over n i said yes. medicine is  one reason that i can travel to my home town. although i have stopped taking medicine, i said simply. next her asked me about my visa n discussed various rules about it. ok so planning to outside? other day he spoke to about me quitting and joining product company. that he have one contact n he discussed with her about me. (good). and other day when it was late in the night n i was super tired and had to wash utensils he offered to help me. MIL was asleep then. (thats y, this rat spoke to me) anyhow i think it is still sweet for a person like him.
now bob. Hmmm.. so yesterday was kind like a date. he came in the afternoon we had lunch a fancy Chinese restaurant. then sat in coffee day discussing various thing, one of them is my plan. but it is not finalized because im confused yet. and apart from that he spoke how he had a feeling for me right from first year, and how he felt when i came to meet these guys (twice) before marriage, n when i was telling them my sad stories. and finally when i was getting married. he spoke, like he is getting these from his heart out. hope is he feeling better now. he was supposed to meet his another friend after our meet. that friend is close to him and he shared all his feelings with him. he would have met him by now and said everything about me to him. i too poured down some of my stuff to him about my deep crush. how i was hurt and what let to what.
i feel like im blessed to have an admirer like him. he just wants me to be happy nothing more.

??

So, like - im 100% confused. not at all clear about what im going to do now. i am struck in a dilemma. i thought this bob guy would help me, but today realized i cannot put the complete responsibility on him. i have to analyse completely and check - what i would be able to, what i want to do, what are the consequences, what r the risk, what r the trade off i need to, what measures i need to take. what r the short time n long time benefits.

but im sleepy now. 

Gods must be crazy!

So, this Bob. he is totally crazy about me. About me! can u believe that?
ok, so what happened in college was i used to talk to him daily during the last year for few days, dont remember, may be a month or so. And then he told my common friend about his intentions. i said no, and obviously what i thought was it is a decision he took in a haste. but the way he is now talking to me, man makes me cry. he liked me from first year itself. and he used to think low of himself and hence didnt have the confidence to approach me.
no one understands me better than him. when he talks its like im hearing my own voice. actually his views n my views are so much alike that today i thought to myself, am i hallucinating? like that of the movie beautiful mind. Man, did i make a mistake? or is it for the best?
Im so scared if i slip out n say anything stupid to him. I know im in a bad state now, and there is  nothing to make things worse. but still im scared that i would complicate the already complicated situation.
But u know, im struck being selfish again. i need his help so bad now. i know he is also a wise man and will not complicate my life. but i dont trust myself. oh my god, why did u make me a bitch?!
What is this new problem budding?
The way he admires me, it would be a dream of every gal that a guy would admire her this way. my heart is aching now. i feel sorry for him. if i can turn back time, i would have said yes to him.
im sorry Bob, im really really sorry. i dont know why the fate is playing such cruel game with us. do i deserve this much admiration now with anybody at all? i feel guilty. but im getting addicted to his calls, his pings in gtalk, his messages in mobile. what am i? 15? Hello!!??

Ok, apart from this, today i spoke to my manager about my leave plans. as usual, with little tantrum, she said she will check n let me know. but sincerely hoping that it works. but my instinct is telling me this not going to happen. yes, very strong instinct. dont know what it is trying to tell me.
Oh my F God! u must be crazy! u need help!

I told Bob about this, and also about my job to find a job there itself. i was not expecting support, i was expecting a conflict in opinion. but he went with me. thats why now im thinking, is it an Hallucination? 

Spicy Sunday

So, Sunday. A good rollercoster ride today. Every weekend is unexpected. i expect bad, turns out good, i expect good, turns out bad.
Today morning when i got up, i was on the verge of nervous break down. so scared to go out. and i was all in the drama mood, because i was just sitting making a long face, so obvious that even my blind husband saw and asked me what happened. It was cute of him to ask me, but good that i didnt open my mouth, dont know what words would have come out. words are always dangerous esp to a person who just dont want to understand and use the same exact words against you when he gets a chance.
day b4 yesterday my uncle had a baby boy. i thought i will tell the devil this, and may be this will be an ice breaker. by the time i went out it was close to 10 in the morning. i went n washed the utensils, and started making coffee and she said both of you have  breakfast(she made, because her husband is here) her tone was not very rude, manageable. so i also got d courage to tell her about the kid news. at this point i thought today would be little better.
i came inside to oil my hair, by the time my sweet husband will come out the bathroom. and when we went out food was already on the plate. we had and i started washing the endless utensils that she kept throwing. and i was doing little work like washing rice, spinach etc. she would got the feel that im trying too hard to help her, and why will a control freak ever like it. she made me sit with a vegetable to cut n peel. this is not to be used today, but to store it in fridge. anyhow i was not angry. after all we women are good at manipulating. so is her, let her do it. its serving both the purpose, very good bitch.
by the time i finished the peeling n cutting she tried finishing the cooking. but she missed a little. and when i went back, she was making egg n meat. i peeled the egg, and started washing utensils again. then some time pass, and then broomed the house. by the time all was over. and we sat to lunch.
while washing utensils after lunch she was cleaning the stove area, i said i will do it. i know she was planning to make me clean kitchen. but when she does such thing, i feel exploited. remember the last time she exploited me while cleaning the hall floor. but its been long time since then and my relation was also going out of control with her, so i wanted to take this up. and since i knew she will exploit, i was prepared from the beginning. i started cleaning. i was thinking 2 fav things of her - kitchen n cleaning. she must be excited about me doing this. when she sees a clean kitchen she would be happy. but u never know, miss half glass empty can never be satisfied.
i did half cleaning and she said we can do rest next week, but was trying to push much of it today itself. i was so exhusted, i came n slept for 2 hours. wonder how my husband could watch me sleep peacfully. it must be killing him. i then took bath by 7. in the night my husband n me had a cold war. he was telling me we can eat dinner, at 9.15 but i was so pissed at him. i kept delying. and at 10, he pretended like sleeping. iasked him for dinner and he was angry. somehow he came n had dinner. i washed utensils againg and now im writing this. i was pissed off with my husband because when i was talking bath power went and he didnt even bother to check in me. i came out with towel after few mins and took mobile n went inside. selfish asshole!
And yesterday night i was shit tired, after coming back from office. he said we can have dinner n sleep early. but asshole couldnt sleep and wanted sex. i hope no gal have to hear such things from her husband. dont know why god assumes that i can take these things. now also while im typing these things my husband is making move to me, u son of bitch just few mins back u were shit angry with now, now for sleeping u shameless creature will let go all ur ego. sometimes i wish he was immpotent. but then that is the only thing he is kind to me for. if he becomes immpotent he wouldnt even care if im alive or dead. nor he will support me from his mother.

Am i irritating you? ok, just confirming

Yes, all my trial of pleasing you didnt work. so, im doing what im best at, irritating you. and i have to tell this, when u do thing that u r best at, the satisfaction that u get from it is.... no words to describe it.

So what happened today is, my manager said some lame excuses of why my short term transfer will get delayed. of course i saw this coming, in fact if they process it as per my wish i would have been shocked. so this said this and kept my expectation to expect my request to even begin processing by august 2nd week. fuck u! i have very little patience in this matter. of course i was all polite with her and said ok ok, but i was getting angry to bang my fist. fucking life, screwing me from all direction.

today i met my friends. had a nice chat for about 4 hrs. saw various photos of each other. I also went out of office to near by mcD. This is little adventure for me.

So, im thinking of taking one month/2 month leave and go n sit some place else. and inform at my house that  i have to go there for official work. fuck, they cant figure out this. had they been that much intelligent, i wouldn't have any problem in the first place. my problem is the amount of dumbness these people can possess. mind blowing!

i have mull over these things for sometime, may be i will ask suggestion with Bob the guardian angel for me. Lets see, i might meet him tomorrow.

Im just thinking how much happy i would be taking a break. god! please be little kind to me n grant me this wish, u have been screwing me over for a very long time now. please god, give me a break, dont u think i deserve it? i have been a good now.

once i go there for 1 month leave, i will start job search there will full force. and hope things work out!!! please god, im helpless.

Just for the heck of it

So, today when i was talking to Bob, i mentioned that i write dairy. And he insisted on reading it. i said hell no. And he said when i will sit down to write today he will come invisible to see. haha, so thats why wanted to write my blog today.
other wise no update, same torture everyday. Hey Bob, if u r watching me, i just want to say u that ur call is keeping me alive in this otherwise pathetic life. Thanks!!!

Update

Home continues to suck. It is best if i dont hope for the situation to improve. This is not going to happen. U know when i think about running away, i dont think like, people should miss me. My MIL should realize that how good my daughter in law was. Nah! i dont any of these fucking thing. She should hate me to the core, so that i should be last person on earth that she would want to see. She should feel that she can face anything than to meet me or stay with me. I dont mind if the next daughter in law happens to gel well with her. oh my god, she would stick with them then. ha ha... poor thing. but man, no one in this earth could bare her. she is a torture.
My manager is giving me hopes that for 2 months i can stay away from home. working from different location. keeping my fingers crossed. u have no idea what this means to me. this means air to breath.
Yesterday i met 2 of my college friends. one gal n one boy. i look old it seems :( i did look sad i guess. And u know, the guy was my admirer in college. even he said i look bad now. but he was giving me all meaning full looks, like i can see pain in ur eyes kind of.
he held my hand to see palmistry. he saw my toe length. he said to take care of my hair. he said i got under eye n wrinkles. Man all these emotions, all these care, i have seen it before from a different guy. and i cant do this again. This guy, let me call him Mr. Bob. so Bob has been very supportive and he only pushed me to talk to my manager. he assured me that what im doing is not wrong. and that deserve a break. the break will put my stress to ground level and i can be fresh to handle all the problem once again.