Sad again today

 I try not to be dependent on my husband for happiness, he is lazy, useless, selfish, yes. Accept it and move on. I have to achieve great fleet, i cant rant on and on on him. I have to focus my energy on other things. Move on, i cant complain on house chore for a long time. Just do what you can and move on. Many have done it, you can do it easily too. Just concentrate your energy on something else.

Just some ranting.

 Lots of things running in my mind:

1. Why i am constantly jealous of people. I am jealous of people who married the man she loves. I am jealous of people who have a bit better husband. 

2. Yesterday i was jealous of my neighbour, she got a job and i  saw her dressed up nicely for work. 

3. I feel bad for my relationship. i am in a dead end relationship. He only needs food and sex, nothing else, dont even care to talk to me. well, honestly even if he talks, i feel it is garbage. I have stopped making effort to make him happy. I just dont see any point of it. It is always give and give, and not one kind word in return. 

I was thinking, my level of satisfaction is not in having a loving husband. My satisfaction should come from a greater task. Which i do with my own hands. Thats your destiny. Move towards that instead of complaining about the set, god made for you.

Today's 2 mins meditation taught me

 I do think, i strongly believe that God talks to me. I am his/her favourite if not his only child. Because i have heard people meditate for hours at a time. I am not good at it, i sit for 5 mins. But my God, talks to me the moment i close my eyes. Thank you god!

For the past couple of days i was very upset. Upset in general. No, not in general. I am not happy in my married life. I am upset for that. For a long time, i was thinking when will my husbands time be up? in 10 years, or 15 years? He is a fat unhealthy person,  who eats unhealthy food anyways. How long can he live?  He is also a very scared and miser person. He is not living at all. He is simply lying on the couch and breathing. Thats all he is doing. I had this thought that i can start living once he dies, he will leave behind his precious savings, which he won't touch or even put in fixed deposit for the fear that he might need it suddenly. Yesterday i had this thought that i should find work and leave him. Thats was much short term than waiting for him to die. But you know, in my circle, and the world that i have seen so far, widow or divorcee are not treated very well. The same pestering people will be around me, who are not showing themself up because i am neither of them now. Once i am in that situation then all these people will pop up from everywhere. Seriously, sick people. 

Anyways, i was mediating today morning, actually i just closed my eyes and God told me, that i am a pretty strong person as such. I am complete by myself. So god couldn't choose another nice person to live with me, otherwise it would hinder with my personality. You know who partners complete each other. What could complete an almost whole? Almost nothing! exactly. Thats what he did. Thats why he is choosen to me my partner. And the fact that i am constantly thinking and getting worried about it is a waste of energy. I think that i can fix a situation which i think god made a mistake. Ha ha ha. I am so silly. Nothing is a mistake, this design is perfect for me, designed with ample of love for me. Like just the right training gears and obstacles in the gym designed for me. How luxurious, to have the entire gym designed for me. And now, i have this entire world designed for me. Is it even a bit ok, to complain about it. No no no no! Not at all fair. Say thank you to god for taking care of you so much and walk towards the exit. You will reach there sooner if you resist.

My mind is constantly unhappy, and my face is getting droopy. Top 5 quick mood lift.

 Yes there are problems, may be bigger problems than i can actually put them in words so it doesnt look justified to be sad over such small problem per se. But at the end, i am the looser. I am the one constantly being sad, and my face is being drooped off. What to do? how to fix it, how to change my state of mind like a click of my finger. right click and change the background. Right now it is a gloomy background and all the work that i try to do is very inefficient, how to fix it. Change the back ground and everything with change for good. Have to turn my mind to be positive, how to do it. Common girl, snap out of it. 

ok, quick mood lift : 5 things i like about my husband:

1. He came to Australia and i am not stuck in the house with my mother in law. A big plus point that i should always be grateful for.

2. He is not evil, i have know many evil person and their wicked minds. I am glad he is not a wicked person. Good person, with a good heart.

3. Even though he is lazy and incapable, it is for my advantage. I know lot of men who are macho and know it all, and the amount of insult they do on women in every chance they get. Oh horrible, i am glad he don't get any chance to insult me, because i am comparatively smarter than him. Also active than him. So there is no chance for him to put me down. That is a bog plus.

4. He is not lazy for career, he had struggle to learn new things initially, but now learning became his habit. He continuously learns. Which is good because then he is not stuck in his career and hence getting upset and spoiling our relationship, a downward spiral.

5. He likes tanusha, and is a good dad, than saying I will not take care of her, it is your responsibility.

Slowly girl, the change you want to bring in will come very very slowly, don't snap out. Is not the situation now is much better than the situation few years back, definitely! then these situation will also change, just give some time to breath. He will change, don't push too hard to break him. God, you will be making a horrible mother in law!

Not just that, you should give him a chance to fee good about himself too, to improve. If you keep criticising him then what is his motivation to improve? Nurture him and he will grow into a pretty flower. 

Angry with daughter, snowballed from my husband i guess.

Very angry today. I had to hit my daughter and she was crying a lot. I feel terrible for turning into a monster. I think i am fixing my relationship with my husband but taking out my frustration out on my daughter and in turn spoiling my relationship with her and also more importantly turning her into a scared little person. She should grow up to be a brave, bold and self assured person. Not a timid person.

I am just paranoid that if i start to work, then i will fall back in the same rut again, trying to do all the work myself. Morning work is something that i want to get rid of, don't want to reach office all tired in the morning. I want my husband to take morning duties responsibilities. I am just scared he wont do that. and i am scared we will fight again. 

But girl, you have lots of time for that. First you should get a job, till then you should be studying in peace. You don't want to sacrifice your peace at home right now for distance peace. Work you have to and will do anyways, there is no alternative for it. Use this time to study and upgrade your skills. I am very confident that i can fix that small problem as well. My husband is good at heart, must be a bit lazy and tries to push work over to me, but not cunning or wicked or evil, glad about that. this trait i can manage and work around. When you go to work, situation might be different, it is work from home for a long time now. so things will be very different, you can plan for it then, when the situation needs you and your husband can negotiate it well. i am sure. and you also improved you capacity to do house work. and your daughter improved a lot in many aspects, just few aspects she is lagging and will improve very quickly before you realize. what part of child will be left in her, if she is able to do every thing by herself and acts as a grownup? Relax, this is the best time of your life, everything is just prime for your enjoyment, and things would start to turn downhill in some time. If you are complaining now, imagine what you will do in tough times? So, relax, and thank god for everything that he has given you. Trust in his plan and the right thing will happen in the right time.

Chatted with my friends for moral support and got these advice:

Girl#1:

Oh no I think u r feeling very overwhelmed today
One step at a time dear
Ur next goal is aws, we will worry about job , work life balance that this and all later
U have managed so many tough situation before , this work life balance will be a cake walk
Why worry about something in the future
Just go with the flow
And don't feel bad for scolding or beating Tanisha
It happens
Sometimes kids r naughty and as parents , we elders will react ...there is no right or wrong way of parenting and you r doing a great job
Don't take too much tension and put lot of stress on urself
Keep job search goal from Jan beginning
U have three months
Take it slow and don't get frustrated..I know it's easy for me to say. Sometimes I snap at Shishir because of all the stress and tension and things not moving but now I realise it and trying to change...there is no one who can help us, only us
When we as adults r so easily frustrated n impatient, imagine kids
Whatever happened, happened
U cannot change the past
When Tanusha comes , pamper her and say sorry for being so angry at her and tell her ur situation in simple words and ask her to help u reach ur goal
May be she will understand it better
And make something nice for her
U r a inspiration to many without even realising and whatever the future holds, u will handle it ....now just take one step at a time
Ur focus now is aws and family day to day activities
That's all
Don't worry about their emotions too
Keep it aside
And don't worry about ur emotions too
They can wait to be analysed later

Dont be too nice also then whatever she must have learnt , she will forget 😂

Listen to some song n sleep for sometime

Or watch some comedy scene

Or chat with me

It happens dear ...kids will learn in their own time n once in a while it's good to be strict

I have seen parents who don't even care after scolding their kids

U r worrying so much so that proves how well u r pampering her n taking care of her

Don't feel bad n all ok

Girl#2:

Hi , hmm...good u r sharing with someone, mistakes happen and we tell at kids but say sorry to her and promise u won't do that again

Ur thinking the right way, everyone has some kinds of confusion like this .but we have overcome many things and this also u can get with it

Keep some time dedicated for everything, for ur study / house hold works, time with kid, everything u keep some time and try to follow it..it makes u feel balanced and organized

U r right, start to see the +ve sides of ur husband, if he s not supporting u with works, u can't do much about it or change him, as it might look like she s asking me to do becoz I she s planning to work and the topic gets diverted to something else

Angry with males

Oh I am very angry and want to vent it out somewhere. I want all mens to just disappear from the earth.

So it was some auspicious day and all the Indian ladies were inviting each out to their home.

It so happened i went to a house, and the husband was alone. i had to wait in the house for sometime. 

This turned out to be a big mistake, i should not be inside the house, because me and him are now alone in the house with no one else. 

That husband got angry with my behaviour and had an argument with his wife later on. The wife was an angel and she came and said to me. although i think she is stupid because she agrees on every crap that he says. anyways, as long as they are in harmony it is good.

sex - is on the top of the men mind. they only think of that. 

just because we are alone doesn't mean we are going to have sex. who thinks like that? 

why is it so wrong, unless your mind is corrupt. 

i think i shouldn't be even wasting my time thinking about this issue. some petty people who don't have anything worthwhile to do, have these as issues. i think i am born to do great things and have a lot in my plate if i am just starting it out. i shouldn't even be worried about what people says.

there will be negative people and the more i climb up, i have to face even tense people like this. i wasted about an hour now just thinking and trying to push that though away from my brain. waste of time, for nothing.

me, my mom, and my feelings

My daughter is having fever for 4th day today, we went to doctor thrice, and each time they are saying different things. I thought my mom should know about it, so i texted her yeasterday night. she texted me back saying take care of her. and today she texted to ask how she was, i was in the clinic then. She had texted me to call her when free, and after few hours called to my husband mobile. she said the usual things like take care of her, put her in layers, feed her nicely. then in the end she kept the phone saying in chennai there is no water, and we here have so many nice facilities and that we should be good. 

What the hell that supposed to mean, is it due to my carelessness that she got fever? in the recent days, she is becoming unbareabley critical. i am trying to brush it aside saying that what she said is her choice, what i have to think about it is my choice. that i know her so well, and that i shouldnt be getting angry knowing her stupidity. she is not very smart, and if she accts out then thats how she is, whats to get angry about it?