I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling powerless day by day. I was hoping that everything will become al-right, I will be back to my old self, but I dont see any improvement in me. I am still a scared chicken. I need help, because I cannot afford to be weak.Why is that I find bully around me all the time? Even the worth for nothing kind of guys like my husband or mother in law pick me to show that they are powerful. Here Bujji is trying to dominate. I generally act modestly and make fun of myself, I never act like I am proud of my self, I think this habit has taken its toll, the act I started believing in. My confidence level has gone way down.
God, I am tired. I cannot run and hide any more.
God give me strength, give me confidence to take one more step.

Light at the end of the tunnel - Hope

Today I am having some hope, some inner strength, some confidence, that I can do what I want to.
May be because of the Ted talks that I listened to yesterday to self motivate me, or due to the help that I am getting from my uncle and guru or due to the mere fact that I started to blog my thoughts again.
But dark days are going to be past, and I could see light at the end of the tunnel and this gives a very nice feeling as if some soothing tune is played in the background.

I am going to have a great life pretty soon...

Rock on!

Have to improve my career

Yesterday I added my manager in my linked in network, and I was going through his profile and was astonished and ashamed of my self. he is not a brilliant guy in any sense. but he is a hard worker and relies on strategies and plan. he acts after weighing all the pros and cons. He was only 3 years senior to me and is no way I can reach that level in another 10 years in the way I handle my carrier. this was a good wake up call to leave my comfort zone and improve my carrier significantly.
I am confident that I am smarter than him, I need to put my head together and try to be more smarter and active in improving my carrier.
Rock on!

Just another day

Tomorrow my aunt is going to come. I am scared if there will be problems after that.

Today work went well, I deployed the code using Jenkins. I feel so stupid, there is so much to learn and I keep forgetting what ever I learn.

Normal day at work

I am in a delicate social situation. My lead is a Chinese, but he claims to be a new Yorker and he is from MKNC. My manager is also from MKNC. I don't know whom to rely on and whom to trust. I feel like everyone is on the tip of their seat ready to play the blame game. god forbids anything should go wrong, then the dirty picture will be out.

I tried the power pose today. I did it once in the morning. the day was fine. I am happy.
will continue it tomorrow.

OMG! I did it

Hi,  I came back to you after a very long time. I am so glad with my accomplishments. I struggled so hard to clear IELTS, get PR visa, get a project in my company and mainly convince my dumb husband and their people to come here. the kind of stories and tricks that I played in this game is mind bobbling.
Any how, I am her and I am basking in the glory while next set of challenge is ready to be taken.

I just watched a TED talk about how mind is affected by the body posture, even though it is an old news, it was nice reminder for me now. I need to feel powerful, confident. I need to prove that I am smart.

I was thinking about ego. Ego is a very important topic, I think school children should be trained for it.
1. how to deal with others ego. every one have ego. for example, if I have to impress a guy, then I could put on lots of make up, even do plastic surgery for that matter, put on expensive dress, jewelry, shoes. I can practically invest tens of thousands of money. what am I doing here? trying to become an object which he will desire for. What if I do something to give his ego a boost, like give a honest compliment about his capabilities, preferably no one noticed him for. he may be dying to get that appreciation, and when I do it, I get noticed. next time when he sees me, he has a good memory, his mind is happy.
every one wants them to be irreplaceable. why do you think the historical problem between mom in law and daughter in law. then younger one is the replacement for the older one. she will not share any secret, tricks and techniques with the daughter in law. the same is true with the old worker and new worker, the old worker will never teach the tactics in the work to the new ones.
2. how to deal with our ego. we should learn to let go of our ego. all major problem in human life is due to ego, we should learn to tame it and be a master of it. let it not control our lives any more.