I like you not liking me

Its a strange feeling im experiencing these day. how can someone enjoy being hated. im doing it. the more and more my MIL hates me, the more i get happy. cant get it enough. now everything is old, im waiting for her lecture where she will say things like, i cannot stay here, or cant you do this or that. and some nonsense that i cant bear to hear. its been long time and waiting for it to happen again. hope i dont fall off laughing.
Bitch! go and fuck off...
I know she is going to die in 5 years. im very sure. because my horoscope says my bad time will last for another 5 years.
I just want her death to be a horrible one. she should suffer n suffer n suffer n die.

I stared playing sims recently. and its a great way to satisfy needs that u have towards people. like if u miss someone, create a sim and chat with them. i have created various sims. and one of them is MIL - i named her monster in law. There is nothing in the house and i dont take care of any of her needs. and is alone and depressed. every day i visit her, then she wets herself. its part of the game, because i didnt take care of her toilet need. and then she says oh no... i feel very happy and i come back. ha ha..

How this sunday went

Today is the day that im usually scared of. Today is sunday. yesterday i went to office to escape this death boredom at home. and avoid all the taunting of MIL. today i had no escape and to make matter worse both my husband and brother in law went out, i realized that this situation will only make MIL to concentrate completely on me, i dont like it. she her attention is else where and some task to do, she is nice to me. but there nothing to put her thought on, she turns into a devil. she is such a bitch and she makes me so scared of her.
Anyway today one of those days and i was in a pickle. but u know i have grownup so much, i have got adapted like an animal to its environment.
1. she was acting like she is shit busy, and it was 10.30 or 11.00 and she was washing clothes. i asked her for the sake of courtesy that should i wash rice? she said she dont know what curry to make. totally irrelevant answer but then, thats MIL for you. i came n sat down coolly as if nothing happened. earlier i would get pissed off at this point.
2. then when she washed rice, i asked her what curry to make. then her golden uncomfortable silence. i asked her should i cut anything, at this point she started her lecture - u are concerned with only cutting, u should learn to cook blah blah. fuck her... am i not helping her in spite of all the insult that she is giving me, now if she is just looking for a chance to shout, then im not going to go gaga over her talk. ignore! earlier i would be little nervous at this point.
3. Then she had decided to make some curry and was cutting vegetable, i asked her if i can put rice for boiling  - her cold answer - i have put it. the thing was she had just kept water in the gas, and when it will boil we have to put rice in it, earlier i used to get pissed off with her cold reaction. now im not. in fact if i watch her getting pissed of and turning cold and like go on bitch, u r only making it harder for us to live together and wait n watch who will be with u in ur old days.
4. And then when the cooking was happening in full fledged and i was trying desperately to fit in, she gave me a garlic and asked me to peel it. now im off her hair. bitch... i dont need her secret recipe. she can fuck with it. its a very unhealthy damaging food that she serves, im better off with it.
5. After cooking is done, she ate, and then asked me to eat, i said i will eat after taking bath. she murmured eat and then take bath any way u will take 4 hours to take bath. this is such pissing off thing, but i literally smiled at it, u know why, i realized how similar mother n son are. even my husband does it and till now i had countless number of fight with him. today i had a ah moment when i realized where it came from. actually both are useless people and i will be wasting my time n energy in understanding and reacting to them. IGNORE!!
6. my husband called my mother in law at 9.30 and said he will be late, and asked her to tell me that i shall eat n sleep. i was watching a movie is laptop, sensing this i did alt tab, but she didnt come. she prepared all set to sleep and told me this at 10. but u know im not all angry because her voice... i saw me in it. when im scared to tell people something and that makes me delay the process of telling them and finally it becomes too late. like calling to my manager for leave, i never call them early. i would hold the phone and sit literally for hours starring at it. im such a scared chicken. today i saw that kind of feel in my mother in voice. and i was like - man someone is hesitating to talk to me and is kind of scared. man im proud of myself.

its ok, i know im not living my life, but soon i will when this bitch will leave the house. right now i have got time to prepare for interview. use the opportunity.

Im sad today. I dont know why, but the fake smile that i was holding faded today.
i didnt talk to my crush for 2 days. and he was busy last week, so just hi in the last week, not even bye.. he would go offline. no boost for me. im so sad with my marriage. my life is so boring. i was such a freak who would roam so much, would be outside for the whole day and would go out on every other day. but my fucking husband is not taking me anywhere at all. we are leading such a boring life. i go to office on saturday also to escape borism. and on sunday do daily chore with my fucking MIL. today i was feeling sad about how im have not been out for a very long time. and how my dreams get crushed by my husband the same way my dad used to do. mens all are expert in crushing our dreams. fuck they have the power to do it.

Update

Its been long time, since i have penned down my thoughts, about my... u know.. goals, action item, pain points etc. And i need to clear out my mind and set things straight in my mind.
First point to discuss -  MIL, ofcourse.
• How is she now?
Well, some days back she was normal and she spoke to well, i mean no frowning atleast. thats a big change for  me. it was like she is following some one week program like i did some times back. but this time i was not at all interested to put any effort in making this relation work, i was like fuck off bitch, u blew ur chance, and more than that i completely understood about u. u r a energy sucking bitch, u never talk anything good, anything positive, u never respect anyone. and u have a hell lot of ego. u r fit for nothing but expect d whole world to bow before u. and more than that u r a double faced bitch. u want to be an innocent, obedient, most adjusting women. but man in reality u r a villi, who just do things out of her mind. i dont wat to u say, except that u r one worst bitch i ever want to meet. all the time u yell, all the time u talk negative thing, all the time u dont smile at all, all the time u boast about urself. u never appreciate anyone or even respect. for u, u r in the center of the world. others work, others trouble.. u never care about it. u r just worried about ur self. the point is, u being such a bitch, and i understood about u, hence now, i want u out of my house. as soon as possible. please. i have no idea to make this relation ship work. the worst the better.
after trying to be normal, she started frowning again few days back. i was like.. im least interested about ur interest in me. im not going to give even a second thought about u. happy changing ur mind as u wish. today Saturday - i got up late, and was expecting some cold war... but my father in law has come and she is busy with other things, so im spared. she spoke pretty well to me. ass hole..
•How is ur job search going on?
i didnt attend any interview till now. im not attending any call also. only one call i picked up, she said she will schedule a technical interview for me, but that guy didnt call me. My preparation is progressing. i saw spring - dependency injection, AOP, Data object, Security. Struts - introduction.
Still have to read a lot, but my confidence has increased a bit now. i feel,i can read things. no problem. I still dont have the confidence to sit in any important interview.
• How is ur work in office?
i have been released for support, and i have been given new development track. im very glad for it. ppl are expecting that i will quit any day. my manager was not talking to me for few days, not not the energy in team is going up again. things are getting better at work. but i have decided to quit. just like i gave up on my MIL.
•How is ur love life?
my husband is hopeless. he is a son of a bitch. and ofcourse MIL is the biggest bitch. he is not worth my support. he is working like a dog to buy a new house, but what eve.r support im giving him, and my views sometimes conflict with my MIL views, obviously, she says no to all the damn house, and when i say yes to any house there  is a clash. and my fucking husband back bite me to his mother. i was like u fucking guy, u r on my list now. and i have decided not to support him at all. and when i dont give any inputs he complain about that also to his mother, so my ultimate weapon, im going to confuse him. he can be confused very easily. and im going to do just that. I was very much down, for lack of.. u know a companion, just then, like god has answered my prayers, i got a new crush. he came and poured with appreciation and it was like a rain in the desert. i had blogged about his chat with me few days back. after that chat we chat every day - compulsory. and u know he is a big shot, but he talks to me like a child. when he pings me late, he says that he has been out for movie or shopping and came just now. i have a feeling like im starting a new relationship. im very excited these days. im smiling always. i feel self worth. yes, im little worried that it should not go out of control. but right now its helping me to smile. so, im going to go along with it. moreover im sure no such thoughts for him, guys thoughts are very simple. so i better dont complicate things. act like a guy, and there wont be any problem. and since i have a back up for support as a partner, im not getting upset with my husband these days, we have sex often after this. yes there was a dry period for less than 2 months. and knowing my husband, who shamelessly asks for it, even though we wont talk for the whole week, and he will behave like he is angry on me, and i will be like im angry on him. yes he is a shameless person, and that makes me hate him even more. anyhow... thins is how things are now, seems complicated, but works for me. good for me...
•How is ur health?
Im not eating well, and i have reduced 5kg in last one month. i have reduced eating, the food that my MIL made, when i eat less.. i get the feeling like im insulting her. in a weird way i get happiness. its simple will she eat if i cook anything, no. her ego wont allow her, and i feel bad, like she is saying my food is not good. im doing the same to her. and since i was not smiling and about to fall into depression, i lost weight. and i look pretty sad. but thanks to my new crush and change in my job track, im happy now. im putting an effort to smile and laugh as often as possible. so im looking better and thin. good for me. i will continue to eat less. i get happiness by insulting her. i will just eat that is sufficient for me, not more.
•Currently, whats on my mind?
Im putting all my energy im preparing for interview. for that last two weeks i went to office to prepare on Saturday. this weekend since my father in law came i thought i would stay, also my husband also gets angry when i go to office. for him i should do all the household work, earn lots of money, bear child, have sex with him when ever he is getting sleep, stupid person. Anyhow i will continue my studies. and will update you often.
Bye got to go, my husband called me twice to go n help my MIL. ass hole...
i will dip his tooth brush in toilet and go n help my MIL. Bye...

What is love?

Im talking about the love, a girl sometimes feels for a guy. Love is a myth. In the sense it is a temporary feeling we have over a guy. Something or the other this guy will do to screw this up, and you will be like, i cant believe i fell in love with this guy. What the hell was i thinking.
There are various kind of feeling that we take it as love.
1. Crush- When you have just met him and he cracks up some smart joke or advice. Then you will be totally flat over him. And when ever you think about him, u get a smile on your face. U end up thinking about him all the time, and when ever you think about him, there butterfly in your stomach.
2. Best friend - U r extremely comfortable with him, and he becomes part of your life. But you dont feel that for him, and wish u could so that it will be a smart choice. And you start doubting about your taste.
3. Sexual - He can seduce you in seconds, he knows where you r weak, and goes right to it. He knows what you like and it is impossible to say No him. But you really dont like him as a person.
4. The man - When you find a bold, confident person, who seems to know all the answer, and he takes care of you like you are his responsibility. he puts rules and conditions about where you should go, with who. Basically does lot of thing in the name your security. But you are totally flat for his style, and every time you think about him you will be like, what a man.
5. All for appreciation - He will come to your life when everything is so screwed up. and you are desperate to find someone, just to talk your mind. And he comes along and pour in with appreciation. It feels like it rained over a desert. so soothing. like ice over a wound.
6. The magnetism - When you both are near, then there is huge magnetism that you can feel. its so strong that you r scared that even that guy, and even worst ppl around you can feel it. Even when the room is filled with people, when you both are in a room you can feel the strong energy.
7. And the last one is - Husband - He takes you for granted. Makes love because its his right to do. doesn't care to woo you. or doesn't appreciate you at all. there is nothing common with you two and are like, he is my husband, I'm supposed to love him and desperately search for reasons so that one day you can fall in love with him.

The best part about love is, you will always have a smile in your face. you will be blushing all the time. you will feel, finally u r completely happy.