Update

Lot of things are happening in my life. I started getting in touch with my old college friends. and there is this guy who used to like me little then. but it was so long ago and he was not a bit serious about it. i didnt bother about it much. but now he is calling me regularly. im sharing with him all the things happening and happened in my life and he is regreting for not trying harder to get me.
i dont know what to do. i can exactly know what it feels like. im saddened for causing him this pain. Sorry buddy!
Im continuting chatting with the tech guy. and he is puring over praises and praises over me. he might come here by october. hope i would have done some changes in my life by then.
Im going to ask for a temp trasfer or work from other location for some time. god this is painful to even see her face. im ready to climb the stair till 15 floor but avoid looking at her face.
Im also attending interviews these days, hopefully that would be in a different location. badly wanting and trying to change my location. thats d only escape. im going to escape, fuck all the good ways.

My interview went well today

So, today was d D day. I went to a proper interview for the first time my life. Earlier i had been to a couple of walk-ins with out proper preparation or not having the required skill set. But today was a scheduled interview with a very small set of skill sets fitting mine.

So, had a written test for 1 hr with 60 questions. and it was on core java topic, thread, spring, sql. Also RMI and JMS - i didnt answer those things. And ya lot of questions on design patterns.

I thought it was not an elimation round, but not sure. then waited for hell lot of time and then had a drilling tech round for 40 mins exactly. I didnt answer many questions. answered few. but i was satisfied with my performance, that i have come a long way in terms of prepration for the interview. And i was waiting. if my level of knowledge is enough for them they will call me else, its ok. but the called me and we disscussed the package :D

but there is twist, the location is different from my current location. :D yes, very happy but scared about how to deal with this. got couple of people as part of my support system tomorrow im going to call them n discuss about it. 

Lets see what i do.

Voice from my Gardian angle

Don’t worry too much girl, they are one set of barbaric people. If doing thing A pisses them off for no reason then doing B will make them happy for no reason.

Just don’t try to question why n how. Just learn the pattern and gain experience to solve the problem.

 

So, all I'm saying is if u want to do Thing A, by all means do Thing A. Just make sure in a couple of days you do Thing B as well. To bring down the heat. J

PLAN

Few days back, i had promised that i will come up with a plan of finding a job which is far away from my current place and hence we have to shift. Well, this blog is for that.
Last sunday was horrible. my patience is getting wearing off, and slowly im able to see things in various angle. my fucking MIL is actually very very rude. she is not normal. she is highly yelling kind of a person, and no one should talk or argue with her. where d hell do i talk to her, but i watch her interact with her kids. and man, pity those 2 ppl. they have never seen what a good mother is. always yelling n not encouraging. not appreciation in any way in fact discouraging and mocking them all d time. very very sad lady to live with. and im pretty sure her husband is happy to stay away from this, always sad and making every one around sad, lady. Im scared when i will actually spell out this fact to my husband or anyone, because this is a very harsh fact. and i should never never say this out.
She is very harsh to me man. i dont know what to do. i never faced anything like this in my whole life. and i tend to ask, why me man? why should this happen to me?
1. i never believed in happy married life.
2. so, this is kind of because i attracted this.
3. MIL making home a hell, is making me go to office on sat, and how else will i study those numerous books that i have. so this is a hard way of saying study well every Saturday.
4. in fact, coming late from office, also gives some time, which i can use to study rather than slogging unnecessarily in the office.

i spoke to couple of my friends, after really a long time, and how much they value me. and im sitting here being treated like a shit. so bad situation. i want to take an extreme step. when my mom came here, and she cried seeing me and said some nice things like she will come n stay with me, but she seems to forget all the things that she said, and now over phone she is talking to me as if nothing like that ever happened. like she had an amnesia. i totally understand her backing off like this. she will not help me. and none of my relatives for that matter will help me. what ever has to be done has to be done by me only. by gods grace my have some really good supporting friends.

i cannot put up with MIL, that is a universal fact. but i cannot put up with my husband also. he sees every day my sad face. not bothered to improve my situation. not talking to me even a word for the whole day for 3 months now. but shamelessly asks for sex in the night. every night. a person cannot fall more than this. and i dont love him at all because of this.

Im going to go out of the state, and find a work. thats is the plan that i was telling to one of my  friend. im very ambitious right now in finding new exciting work. which has some rnd work. but then i need to really really strong for it. and im not having a peace of mind at all. every day when i step out of the house, i will be like, yes yes! im out now and can forget every thing. but its not the fact, right from the morning im worried about returning home. that evening would come and i have to go back to hell. im not able to concentrate in my studies also. and today i was working n browsing and checking mails and suddenly i realized the tension i have in my stomach. and the tension is thinking about how rude the bitch is. my life is literally like hell. and shame on ppl who dont react to this.

this idea of finding a job in another state was there long ago, but then to get acceptance, i need to show ppl that im getting paid like hell. but that is not going to happen with the rate im preparing for interview. im ambitious but where is the peace of mind for me to aim for such a thing.

so im going to join a small company only, such that it have branch in both the states. and ppl will think im joining the local one, and then i will go to the next state in the pretext of training. and then once im out of the house, and have a peace of mind, i will think about where im and what i should do. but right now, my mind is so clouded. i couldnt think clearly. and this feeling of being scared is taking off all my every. i want to go out have some fun, laugh my heart out. live my life in my terms. free my mind n heart. then if i have to divorce also then i will go for it.

Please i didnt say any forbidden word. im living a life of torture. 

A change

i happen to come out of the cocoon that i made for myself. And called a couple of my long time no see friends. and they reminded me of who i was. what is my true self. and when i told them about the life im leading now, they are angry with my decision.
But they r ready to help me out in all possible ways. No matter what, no one can take the place of a friend.

I love u guys, and thank for being there for me. :)

Law of Garbage Truck

Someone wrote this, I wanted this in my blog for record.

 

Law of Garbage Truck

 

One day I hopped into a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.

 

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was really friendly. So I asked, “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!”

 

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call “The Law of the Garbage Truck.” He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you.

 

Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the street. The bottom line is that successful people don’t let garbage trucks take over their day.

 

Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so…

 

“Love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don’t.”

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

 

What to do? im scared to go home now.

You know, from the time I came to office in the morning I'm worried about how can I go home? How can I face yet another day with her? Even though it’s a matter of one n half hour. I'm worried about it all day.

 

See the plan is she moving out. And since u both are not happy together she have to move out. There is no fix for this.

In case u r sweet, she might stay, because outside world is bad than inside. And no matter how much sweet she turns now, I cannot take her. Main reason is that she is a negative energy bitch. She cannot think any fucking single thought that is worth sharing. Every damn thought of hers is negative and energy sucking I cannot take her for one more min. so staying together with her is out of question.

She should move out decently by herself. She is getting irritated by me, and that is the trick. Keep her irritated. And the happy days are nearing.

 

I'm finding it very tough. I cannot take it. I'm not sharing with any one, basically I'm a very private person. But this is getting too much for me to handle that I'm scared that I might take a wrong step in depression. Will I get help? Will there anyone who can understand me?

An Idea can change your life

Today in the bus while returning home, i was very sad. i didnt want to come home for the obvious reason. Suicide thought was frequenting my mind now n then. dying seems to be an easy and pleasant option. I turned on radio in my mobile and was hearing to some boring stuff, when this another boring ad. came for idea network. its quote is - An idea can change your life. Just then i asked myself, give me also an idea which will change my life. i dont want idea like running away, divorce, suicide. i want a smart idea. and Jhat came answer to me, find a job that is far away from ur current home. such that ur office n ur brother in law office are practically far off and u both cant stay together. obviously we have to stay in separate house and my husband will come with me and the bitch will go with Brother in  law. So simple and smart answer. Why this solution got buried under? why i forgot about this solution? am i enjoying the pain im going through? am i liking the problem? am i enjoying being sad? am i proud of my state? am i looking for self pity? what is happening to me?

Am i my best friend, i always have the right answer. i just have to reach out and ask myself. and Jhat answer will come. i believe myself. when i am there, i dont need any body else. im self sufficient. i love myself. i just have to listen to myself.

Tomorrow i will prepare a nice looking plan. Now i will study for some time.

MY GOD... Give me patience and give me quick

Im this much close in losing it. Im amazed with my patience. How can i tolerate this nonsense? and why im i tolerating this? i dont see any reason... U know in the movie true lies, there is a scene where the joker guy, who have affair with Arnold wife, talks some nonsense to Arnold. And Arnold would imagine of knocking the guy dead. that's how i feel when she talks. just knock her dead. not one more word. but she have no idea im so frustrated with her. coz she cannot be wrong. the whole world is wrong but not her, bitch!
Oh my god, this became my routine, every day i log in to blog about her. but then what else outlet i have. but im so sad that all my energy is going waste bothering about this bitch, i want to do so much more than grim about her...
God help me, show me a way.

Its getting suffocating

Im dreading the days again. Not able to remain chearful for a very long time no matter how many good things keep happening in the day. Bitch is bothering me again.
its getting nerve breaking. i hate her so much,
i thought i have come to a stable position where she knows i hate her, i know she hates me are we are peace with it. but what is the fucking problem now, why does she wants me to work in her fucking nonsense way, im going to spit on her food. or kill her , the best.