i came early today to home, because my mom was at home, i thought she might get bugged hearing MIL yapping like crazy, though i didnt want to come, had so much work at office, my Lead is so bad, she wants to dump all the work on us, and wants us to finish it in seconds. so, thats is a big pressure point.
most importantly that i wanted to type now is that, when i entered house, MIL opened the door and smile, r u kidding me? r u serious,? smile? really? at me? seriously man... out of the world...

My mind is so fucked up. I mean its like spinning. I didn’t sleep yesterday night, I was so angry. Latterly, I was angry the whole time. I felt like smashing something. So much anger build up in me, and I have to vent it out somehow, by not causing any bad move.

I was just waiting for the alarm to ring and I can go to office, get the hell out of the house.

All the past was running in my mind, like how MIL treats me. How she gives me cold look, all this were in my mind, while I was getting ready, and I came out pretty soon. I wanted to go out and stand in the fresh air and wait for the bus. And my mom came out, packed my lunch and spoke all sweetly, with love and funnily, but I couldn’t smile. My through was chocking, I wanted to get the hell out of there before I become all teary. But my mom kept asking what happed.. and u know when someone does that, its even more hard to stop the tear. I'm sorry, but my mom had to see my tears. I quickly rushed out. It was so hard not to cry, tears kept coming back….

 

I don’t know what I can tell her now. I did upset her. I mean , I never cry, and she knows that. She knows me as a strong person. I never cry.

Thank god there is a place called office. And u can get away from home and literally stop thinking about home for some 6-10 hours.

Fuck my dream house

Man, this is a hard struggle. I don't think i mentioned this before, we are planning to buy a house for quite some time now. yes, believe me when i say, for quite some time, my negative in laws and husband will not settle for a house, every house has a flaw, the only perfect house is the one we are staying at right now for rent, and the next best is the one right under the nose. yes, these people are so narrow minded, hating change so much. they hate change, they want things not to change. so weak people, such a coward people, such a USS, such a narrow  minded people, such a negative people. such a waste people.
so my mom basically came down to help them settle for a house. and these fucking people were not showing the house that  i like the most. i like a house very much, its like some dream house. very beautiful. of course its very beautiful, no doubt about it, affordable, have accessibility via bus. there is no negative point for it. but u know what, its not under the nose for these people. and man all of them hate that house so much, that i have to struggle to show the house to my mom. they were not taking us there. after some struggle, they took us and my mom also liked it, and my MIL fucker says that she cannot stay there, bluntly. just bluntly, what can my mom do now? and u know my husband and BIL their mind get corrupted when she says such thing. she have a very deep impact on their mind. thats what i hate, she is such a negative person, she wont talk never anything positive, or constructive, and also, she wont stop talking ever. she goes on and on with some negative stuff. and  man u should look at these two people, total waste. they will never ever be successful in anything fucking thins. never. what amazes me, is that they dont realize this by them self. i mean, after some time, i can recognize the pattern of people's energy. and i generalize them. and rate them accordingly. but these stupid kids of MIL are not so, they get influenced so much from her. and i hate her.
One very nice thing that happened today was our house owner gave us a deadline to vacate this house. 3 more months, and we should be out of here. and u know what MIL cried for it. he he, she is such a loser.
Im fed up now. i can no longer be supportive. i was till now a little even though they were negative. i can no longer be cheerful in this hell of negative energy.
fuck u all, u guys carry on with your journey to hell. im not going to give u company

My mom came down

I was expecting a lot more happiness. so, my mom came down to stay with us for 4 days. today is the first day. i went to bring her down. Man, still by this day all i can think about is my MIL. She is so bad, u know, still that flying attitude towards me when my mom is not around. i so much want to hurt her. physically. i want to hurt her physically. i always picture about killing her, shooting her, burning her, smashing her head, slitting her throat, and other things. thins is like porn to me. i picture this all the time. i couldn't help it. i don't want to. but she, always gives me such cold look, what can i do?
i don't want to stay here. not a minute. i want do something like, going off for a month for now, and stay anywhere apart from home, anyplace will do. it just has to be outside this state.
i wish i can fall in love again. and when u couldn't stop thinking about the person, when u have a smile always by default. and u couldn't stop blushing. when u admire him honestly, and he know it and reciprocate the same.
its such a great feeling. i want it right now. i want to be in love.

GOD! i couldnt take it anymore. i hate my MIL and there isnt anything that i could do to make it better. what ever effort i put,  its all waste. it works fine on that moment, and next day i find myself in the same square.
im so sick n tired of it.
u know, how yesterday i worked my ass off. i feel little sick and my arms n shoulders are aching still. today morning, after getting up, n brooming the entire house, ate boiled corn, which was kept on the dinning table by her, i went to kitchen n asked her, what is to be done. bitch replied, cooking has to be done, what do u mean by what s to be done. man that was a  slap on my face. i wanted to pinch off her head n throw it away right at that moment. then i stood there like a shameless tree, fuck, the more i think about it, i more i get angry.
rasam had to be made, i too tamrind and put in the vessel, she interfered, how much u put, then she did some alteration to it. and then she took pepper n jeera,, i asked her,if i can smash it, i took it to the hall, i had so much anger build up, that when i stared smashing it, loud noise was coming, it could be obvious that im angry. my husband said that its loud, but i couldnt control, after sometime, she came n took it from me n went inside.

and she gave me small sambar onions to peel. i stood there in the kitchen near stove and stared peeling. she gave me some hint to go outside but i gave heed to it, then she said it is not for now. so i took it out n did. bitch, she wanted me outside for sometime. yes we both hate each other like hell.

after that i went inside and washed utensils, then i asked her about the recipe that she was making and similar kind of dishes, then she spoke normal. mad bitch... i couldnt handle u.
then cooking was over, we had lunch n i sat in the hall, and she went outside n stood. she is simply standing there, doing nothing, man she is a big freak than me. its 2 o clock now, and my husband said ask her to eat.
i know if i did, she will all the more not eat, but as if i care, so i went n asked to eat. she said she is not hungry. fyi she didnt eat in the morning also as usual
fuck her n her son
i came to room to note this down

the only thing that is making go on today is the knowledge that i will leave this place on Wednesday night. just today, then office a couple of days, then i will be gone... with my mom. i miss her and her positive energy.

i feel violated

Ahhaaa ,i feel violated.remember how few days ago i said that i clean well than MIL. well i was proud of myself, i dont know if she could sense it. and she exploited me. she made me clean floors. once she did it with kitchen tiles. man. she is perfect me. i have all the qualities of her. all evil quality. i did it, she does work well, and i made her do it, because she was proud of it. and many such things. i make people feel guilty. i dont share work, and make them feel guilty. i like to do work my way, and dont trust others. and i dont talk to certain people. well she is exact replica of me. she has all these quality. not just negative, i dress simple, i like hair tied in a bun, i like cleaning, But im not stupid...

Good day today

what a day man, it was beautiful. i had the best of the day from a normal life. it was a surprise.
today was a normal day like any other day. i got up and got ready, i was little late for bus, and MIL said, 'leave it, getting late' i.e i can leave the glass on the table, I'm getting late for bus. ya she is very scared to talk to me in full sentence. her precious words wont be spilled unnecessarily. and i went to office, my PL was on my head for finding the issue. i had call and i spoke well in call. i was happy. then i worked for sometime. and then had lunch and my PL was again on my head to make me work, even though i was hinting her that i have exam. finally i told her 1 hr before that i have exam. and the look that she gave me, it was like finally u r speaking, good to see. and she said all the best. and i did so well in exam. got 91%. but 100% is impossible to get, even if u r so much prepared. and then i worked for some time and finally sent a nice mail for update.
and in house it was OK, not very bad.
i socked my legs in water for sometime. and didn't get sleep till 12, was so active. i watched the social network movie first half.

Today it went right

so, today MIL spoke well. today evening i got mail from my husband that i should inform MIL tonight about the plan - trip. my MOM trip. i was so frustrated and depressed after the mail. i couldn't concentrate on anything i spoke to my MOM for some time simply... and then i went into this depression. but i had a mail to send.. so i sent it anyway and was in bus like a sad person. and when i reached home, i changed and gave her the coffee powder that i brought today in office. BIL was there and i sat in hall. he spoke to me about his company... i wanted to tell MIL about the trip and get over with it.. no matter what happens. just then my husband called BIL and said he will come for dinner and i can eat. BIL went out to buy something, i wanted him to be there when i talk to her. so i waited for him to come back, and i made chapatti till then. and when i sat BIL came back and sat in hall, he would go to sleep soon. so i finally spoke up. it went fine. she smiled .. :O:O and then again topic went back to BIL company. and as usual MIL was in her own world and said something about small onions. and i said mom asked for list to buy, like small onions... ooo she was so happy, she was beaming from ear to ear. cheap fucker. u buy her stuff and she will be happy. idiot.
so, after some silence, BIL went to sleep. and i washed utensils and came inside.
that's all. so, today it worked and if i think about what went right today is, mainly BIL was there. when he is there, I'm little confident in case anything goes wrong, he will handle properly, and i wont be damaged much. also it could be because MIL is little happy when he is around. if he is not there, she is all lonely and she looks at me like I'm going to eat her or something.

Today was as usual a horrible day. and when my mind was wondering about what to do, i remembered a story, that i heard a long time ago - 

A mule falls into a pit. He is old. The owner does not want the mule to suffer and decides to put it out of its misery. He starts to pour dirt into the pit to bury the mule. As each shovel of dirt hits the mule on his back, the mule shakes it off and lets it fall to the ground. The dirt lifts him up ever so slightly. And so, the mule, shakes and steps up. Slowly he rises out of the pit. The same dirt that was to kill him, became his salvation.

As the mule did, i will shake off the dirt every week, and step up. and finally one day with all the hard work and perseverance. i will come up the pit.

So, today is another sucking Saturday and I'm highly depressed already. i hate this house. its been one year, that I'm burning in this hell. its so depressing. and my MIL is so cold. my husband is so useless, and this house is so sick. with the amount of negative energy running in this house, i9 swear a scientific experiment can be conducted on it. i feel like I'm dying a bit at a time. very depressing. u  know about my MIL, man so blood sucking cold she is, any brave person would scruble and die in this house.
but u don't know about my husband, he is such a useless person in this whole world. he is a uss, a sissy. he is such a girl. he would take all his time to dress up, would wash his face some 10 time a day, wouldn't dare to speak back to his mother, who obviously is dominating. i swear if my mother is like her, i would have scolded her to hell. and he gossips, he is nagging, and he loves to put the blame on u for everything that went wrong. just because u didn't open ur mouth to say that it was his mistake for god sake. and he is obviously not brave enough to take a bold decision.
god, i couldn't forgive my self for this mistake i did of marrying him. i will never forgive myself for it.

This is not going to be my end. I'm going to wait, and I will have a happy ending.

This story is not over. More some 4-5 years max, and the time will turn around and I will have a nice time.

I'm not going to give up

DAY 7

Whooohooo... last day of the mission, and i must say that it was a great success... at least from where i started..
so i got up early today morning, 7.30 and the first thing that hit my mind was about Windows phone apps. i wanted to register it. so i started working for it, set up the machine. i did work till 9 then got up and brushed and folded clothes from outside. then by 9.30 my husband n me went out, today she made puttu... when i went to make coffee she said to eat and then have coffee.. so we all (3) had puttu...
then she gave coffee for my husband, my coffee was in the kitchen counter, i asked her and took it.
by the time i finished my coffee.. my husband and his bro went out for seeing a flat. and MIL made rice and rasam. i washed utensils and did my level best to stay in the kitchen,... it was bad, but not impossible.
i stayed up.. and was thinking today is the last day of my mission.. anyways.
she made spinach dal, which i had the recipe that she gave me, i had it in my notebook, i came and checked it, and went back to kitchen. after making dal, egg was boiled, i peeled them. she kept passing comments that I'm not doing work good, and that how will i manage alone ( my god as if she is a great saviour or something, these lines are her favorite) then she gave me garlic to peel... so most of my time went into that. and she was able to work peacefully for sometime, while i was peeling at the hall. then she gave to ginger garlic to smash, and while i was doing it, she asked me that uncomfortable question, which had probably started this whole problem... if I'm getting my PMS regularly or not... anyhow i said yes, out of instance reaction.. didn't even think twice. but that's perfect, because that was d end of the conversation there. good... but yeah she went on. about the ritual that i have to take head bath then wash sheets.. but she almost murmured them, so i can safely ignore those..
ok.. some hotch potch and lunch was ready, we three ate. and she also had.. i server her dal in  middle...
then cleaned hall and washed utensils. i was in the hall the whole time today. i was browsing about android sdk.
setting up the machine for it.
then she went to fetch water from below, so i went to help.
my husband called all of us to see some apartment, but god, I'm so sick of it. we didn't go...
we were watching some movie, had dinner and now I'm going to sleep.
i made some nice progress in setting up my machine for android, its ready with hello world.

one importing thing that i think i achieved was that when she asked me that uncomfortable question, even though i hate the question, i thought i have re winded the time, and we both are back to the place where we started.
but i still hate her, but Atleast i feel that i have undone somethings...

so, glad that i did this. this mission... it was a success for sure.
now my next strategy... i will think about it... time to celebrate... :D

DAY 6

today is Saturday, and my husband went to office. so this is what the day went by was like..
morning i got up by 8 and the went to kitchen by 8.30. washed utensils, lots were there, she almost finished cooking lunch. and then she asked me to cook Maggie.. i did. she made coffee for all three of us.
by then both my husband and BIL left. washed the utensils.
she was preparing to make dough for dosa. i helped her and she started talking.... i was what the hell is happening, why is she talking to me like a normal person,i don't like it. ask her to just stop talking.
and then i went to take bath, washed my clothes and cleaned toilet. and then sat for half an hour under fan.
then went out, because i heard her peeling off peas. so went out and helped her, but then she got up to go out.
after doing it, i broomed, and went to room again.
i was feeling so sleepy by now, so layed down for half an hour.
at 3 i went and had lunch.
Then she when i washed my plates, i also wiped the stove, i do that often, she told me it has to be washed... typical., she dont say u do it, or i will do it.. it has to be done... so its like a sign.. i should do it.. bitch...
Anyway i did it. and i feel i do the work a lot better than her... when it comes to cleaning....
then i came back and was reading. she took bath, washed her clothes, then dried them... and i could feel coldness again...
i went to the balcony to read for 1 hour - 5-6. but reading was boring now, came to room and saw little movie, friends.
at 7.45 i went and asked her if i can make her some tiffen. she said no, of course. but till then i felt cold... very scared to go out and ask her this, then gave myself a pep talk, and then did it.
now she is asleep, and my husband back back... now after changing he has gone to temple.
we will have dinner now and sleep.

Saturday was not a disaster. lets see how tomorrow goes.

DAY 5

DAY 5 was yesterday, didn't blog for yesterday. going to do now.
Went to office, but before leaving when i wished her good bye, she had a weird look. it was 10% smile and 90
% not wanting to smile. i was like bitch, keep thinking weather to spoil my mood in the morning or not, and I'm going... but then it later striked to me that, i wore a bun to office and she may be looking at that... anyways... i was out, then i can relax...
after coming back, i came at 8.15. and i changed and was inside room watching a new Spanish movie that i downloaded, idly was for dinner, so nothing to do. well i smelled it, i didn't ask.
then when my husband came and i went to have dinner, some serious discussion was going on.... i very well knew it was some trivial matter but this small head people were discussing it as life death issue, nonsense.
after having dinner and washing utensils , i saw some vegetable peel were on the hall floor, so, picked those up and broomed the floor. then asked my sweet MIL if she wants coffee, of course she had to say no. so she did. and i went to room.
That's all. but i don't know why, but i was not scared about the coming weekend. even though my husband might go to office on sat. i was not as scared as previous weeks.

DAY 4

Day 4 was yesterday, didnt blog yesterday. will be writing about it now.

I didnt take the mission seriously yesterday also. i came home by 8. but then i saw MIL was making chappathi. so after changing i  went and asked if i can do the rolling. she said - phulka has to be made. after some mubbling and i figuring out what is that she wants me to do, i settled for cooking the phulkas, and she will roll them. it came out nicely and she was satisfied.(god, big milestone) 

after making i sat in hall itself, and some crying serial was going on as usual. i hate those so much that i feel like breaking the tv. but, what else can u expect from this dumb MIL. husband came by 9.30 and after sometime we had dinner at 10. then BIL came, i sat in the hall till he finished his dinner. and washed all utensils, not much was there, MIL also did some washing and cleaning. screw her as long as she is not bothering me.

then i came to sleep. i also told her not to make lunch for next day.

The very thought that weekend is nearing is so exhausting. The thought of going back home today. Its taking a toll of me. And I’m so exhausted now.

Morning I called my mom. She was trying to call me for some time and I couldn’t pick her call. Spoke to her and gave her a hint like how crazy my MIL is, and I felt little reviled, like I'm not wrong, it’s the people in my house who r crazy, not me.

I was angry with my mom from the time I came  here, it’s because of her, I’m in this position. So I almost stopped talking to her. And then I didn’t talk to her because there is nothing to talk to her apart from complaining to her about my MIL, and I didn’t want to do it.

Well today was able to put it in a little bit polished way, as far as I can.  Felt good after that, but still I have to live with her.. problem is not solved.

Ooof! I’m totally cranky today. How my MIL manages to rip my mood in just a fraction of sec is amazing. And don’t know why I’m so sensitive for her dumb reaction. All that she did today was didn’t respond to me when I said good bye to her, while leaving.. the one word I spoke to her from morning. This situation is every day routine. I don’t talk to her at all then while leaving I say good bye. Sometimes she tell me something while packing my lunch.  Like pack this, taste this etc. but very rarely. And usually she responds to my good bye, but not compulsory. Often she blows me off with her cold look.

Even today she did the say. When I said good bye, one very cold look, that could pierce ur soul. Fuck her for the power. Bitch. I really don’t know what to do. God please kill her and I will shave off my head.

DAY 3

Even today i didnt work for the mission. i came back home at 8.30 and felt very sleepy. was lying down with laptop will 9.20 and then got to change. exactly then he came and just now had dinner and came to room.