Just lost

Right now, i have the feeling of just lost. I am feeling so helplessness, not wanting to do anything. scared if i talk to anyone, my anger would spoil the perfectly alright relationship that i am trying to maintain at home. I don't understand why i am so lost and angry. Sometimes just one thing would just trigger it out.
I am trying to get user organised and the more i try to do it, even a smaller set back makes me think, is there any point to put so much effort like a crazy girl in being organised when everything just crumbles down. Even though it might be just a small problem, but i see it as a wasteful thing that i have been doing and it bothers me so much that i became very silent. What confuses me is that i become upset and disoriented for very small things, and i can't express myself otherwise 

Dream today

I dreamt that my brother was trying to kill me by tricking me. I, at the moment, felt this is going to be my last moment and realised the way I was fooled by him cleverly.
First, I was not in talking terms with him but was ready to help/talk if needed. Second, he was could control a dog which was not friendly with others. I was appreciative of it, but not verbally. Third, I was doing an exercise he joined in and was making the dog to copy his moves. Fourth, I forgot what it was exactly, but there was an element of I winning something. Fifth, he modified the moves and for some reason, I started copying it, rather was trying it out. Sixth, he felt like he was struck and I was trying to help him. Seventh, he pounced on me and locked me down. He was on top of me, holding my hands. I couldn't move or push him. He then was proceeding to bite my neck. I was calling for help, but there was no one. I was shouting for my mother, but I knew my mother even if she was there she won't help me against my brother. She will always support my brother. I felt hopeless and repented for me getting lured into the trap. That really felt like the last moment of my life that I woke up.
I realised how he got my trust, then waited for me to be in a position to attack me. I was lured into it, by winning something. My greed. When I got up, I wanted to note it down. This is a lesson. There are people all around me, who are doing things only to get back from me something. Accept no favour, please. That's the message I want to give you now.

Eklavya

Do you know Eklavya from the epic Mahabarath? He asked guru Dhronachariya to teach him archery. But Guru Dhronacharya declined him due to his caste. But Eklavya, made a statue of him and assumed the statue as his guru and started practising archery in front of it. His passion combined with his love for guru Dhronachariya alone made him excellent archer. But the actual guru was he fit for that love? When the guru met and learned about this, he asked his thumb as guru fees. Had Eklavya not met guru or interestingly, he had hidden the fact that he learned due to the guru then his thumb would have been safe.

I have a guru Dhronachariya in my life. I am so devoted to him. But is he fit for that kind of respect when he is not reciprocating anything in return. If I reveal to him that I crossed the many hurdles based on his teaching, would he ask for my thumb? I would just not reveal anything to him. Let him be in his own world, and I will be in my fantasy world, keeping him as my guru in the form of a statue, and imagining all the wonderful advice and guidance he would have given me and cared for me.

When you left you left a big void in me. The void is so big, that now I realise you yourself wouldn't have filled the void. So now I am not repenting of losing you. But me and my void are keeping company for 10 years now. Still have lot of getting used to left to do.