WTF!!

Yesterday I wrote this on a paper -

“It’s been just 15 days, that this new concept entered my head and I’m getting impatient already. Still 84 days to go and I can’t wait. I’m scared because there are lot of events lined up in the near future when all I wanted was a smooth passing of days like how it passed till now. Remember how time flew from April to July. No major event, just daily chore. And I was hating it then because life was becoming boring to death. And I wanted to run away. And when the date is fixed, there are disturbance in the smooth life. This is scaring me.”

 

What I didn’t pen down yesterday was that, I was scared that I might get pregnant. So what I did yesterday was, got a couple for home kit tool and went home. I was planning to use pills hence forth to reduce one of the tension. But when I took the test in the morning in the morning, it came positive. Out of all the things that could happen I can’t believe this happening. U know how less we have sex. And I was keeping track of the ovulating dates a little. I agree last time it was little closer, but I did the same mistake when I agreed to marry this idiot. Carelessness, thinking all these while nothing happened, what harm probably this could do? This attitude is killing me.

 

I spoke to my manager, and she spoke like a manager, as a friend, as a elder person. I felt good after that. Lot of things she pointed out –

1.       Whatever happens, happens for good. And this is the right thing to happen considering your age. [ok, agreed, I'm going to turn 29 pretty soon and baby before 30 is like the deadline we guys follow, claiming some crap scientific reason.]

2.       I can still travel to onsite, since that would be my fifth month. And travelling is safe. And there are two things now, u have to travel back by 7^th month, or stay there and deliver there. [ya, coming back is not in my mind, but since I shouldn’t look ,like a crazy girl so I told her initially that  it is a short term assignment. So, ignoring the coming back part, I can deliver there, I could get leave. Based on her experience she was telling. I need to talk to my new manager about this. When I hear these words from him, 90% of my tension would reduce. It means freedom for me, for which all these I have been doing initially.]

3.       She also said that onsite opportunity will keep flowing all the time, but this will never happen again. So take priority of this, rest will fall in place by itself. Take care of ur health and don’t freak out. Its normal.

 

After this I spoke to two of my best friends who understands me. One girl sympathized with me. And one guy, he didn’t know how to react probably, he was telling me all about I would make a good mother blah blah. Ya right!

 

So, talking to my manger helped. And now plan is –

1.       Tomorrow get it confirmed from doc [ what if I'm getting freaked out for no reason]

2.       Talk to new manager and tell him my plan, which is

3.       Travel by Nov. work till march end. And then take a break of 3-4 months. Taking dependent visa for my mom and my husband.

4.       And join work by Aug. And my mother will be there na to take care of the baby!

 

This plan seems flawless, except

1.       My manager should accept.

2.       And at home I should get approval to travel for 1 month at least. Later I can manipulate them.

3.       I should this attitude and guts till the end, and I should not chicken out.

4.       And most importantly, I should not have any complications till the end.

 

With so many if’s and but’s - I'm losing interest already. I feel like giving up control and accept whatever happens.

But man I have been doing this all my life, and this is a very crucial phase of my life. Now I'm adult. And if I follow my dream then that would be called struggle and not craziness or mistake.

Imagine this, I doing this all alone, and bringing up the baby, and then finally finding my dumb n useless husband a job there. I would like a hero.

God, why I ever married this person? Is it because I want to show off the world that I'm a big hero? Ok I will take it that way, well he doesn’t mind we leading the way. And I don’t mind being proud for doing so. But then I feel, could have been a guy whom I can love. But then I have never seen any guy like this, whom I can love truly.

Ok, I'm deviating from the topic.

Ok, I was goggling about could the results be negative and turns out there are some people in this category as well. But my friend said it is positive once it said positive. The only wrong results it can show is, if you are pregnant the test might at times say negative. But if it says positive, then it is positive. And when I was reading the article, I couldn’t really connect with the people talking. I don’t have hope that it would be negative now. But still, I will keep quite till the tests are done by a doctor.

Ok stop thinking till then. I will blog again tomorrow. C ya!